Glorious Uniqueness

I will BLESS the Lord

2012-02-18T19:53:00.000-08:00

Here is a mystery: one man’s experience drives him to curse God, while another man’s identical experience drives him to bless God. Your response to what happens is more important than what happens. –Chip Brogden

I held a newborn today. I wasn't going to. I suspected it might not be a good time, but, when the wee one was offered to me, I couldn't resist. I snuggled her close and marveled at her beauty...at her perfection..and innocence. And ignored the pain that knifed through me.

Most days I'm good. I love that my husband and I have had the years of just us, and I'm incredibly thankful that we didn't have to struggle to provide for a child during this past year. I love the idea of another year or two of just us, and, really, most of the time, I'm comfortable with the idea of us adopting a baby in a few years.

Ever since my surgery, I've been up front with what I'm facing. I refuse to line up with the women who hide behind infertility and subfertility and consider it a shame. I figure I'm in good company: think about Sarah, Hannah, Elizabeth, Rebekah, Rachel...etc etc etc. God used their barren wombs to show forth his glory. And I'm not about to say that God only gives babies to those deserving. Just take a look around at all of the babies who are ripped out of wombs, discarded, and abused. The rain falls on the just and the unjust.

I've made it a point to champion faith with others. I've cheered them on, prayed with them, wept with them, and rejoiced when their little ones arrived. I won't let them give up on their precious hope. And I won't give up on mine.

But the past six months have wreaked a bit of havoc on me, as I've watched my body reveal to me just how difficult conception and carrying..and even perhaps delivery...of a child will be. I've acknowledged that, should we be blessed with a biological baby, there will only be one. And that adoption is really a beautiful thing.

But every so often, the grief hits me...and I can barely breathe. And I wonder about a world where babies are thrust into unwelcoming arms while mine remain empty. And it's a little harder to keep my chin up, keep my spirit up, and believe in miracles. It's what makes me choke back tears when I cradle a newborn or weep on the shoulder of a friend who has lived it, too.

It won't last long, I know. Tomorrow, when I see my friend with two back-to-back toddlers carry them both screaming out of the sanctuary, I'll sigh in a bit of a relief. And, at the end of a long day teaching middle schoolers and then trying to teach Cub Scouts how to tie bow-line knots, I'll relish the quiet and peace of an empty house. When I'm struggling to make ends meet on non-existent paychecks, I'll breathe a prayer that we're not trying to buy diapers, too. I'll plan vacations and date nights with just the two of us...and I really will love it. Because I do.

And, yes, tonight, I'll grieve. I'll grieve the body that won't allow me the luxury of planning my perfect little family and that may rob me of the chance to ever feel what it's like to carry a little person for nine months. But I refuse to let the grief rule me or define me. I've watched too many people allow it to isolate them into a tunnel where they will not feel pain. I've watched it harden them...I've watched them become bitter. I've watched them sacrifice years of time to this demon of grief.

No. Not me. Tonight, I'll grieve. But tomorrow, I'll take that pain and USE it. I'll use it to cuddle my little buddy who likes to ride on my hip while I sing in the choir. I'll use it to work with my junior high Sunday School class, to try and once again teach my seventh graders the function of prepositions, to plan the baby shower of a very much wanted baby, and to try and teach my Cub Scouts how to become men.

I'll let it make me more sensitive to those around me...and to be thankful for the blessings I have.

And when God does choose, in His perfect timing, to fulfill my dream...I will not look back at my years and mourn how I've wasted them.

I choose to BLESS the Lord.

2012-02-16T18:29:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago, I turned 26. This may not seem like a very big deal, but, considering I've spent the past few months thinking I was turning 25, it kinda was to me. (Oops.) My family has a history of age denial, and I am reluctantly joining their throngs. I know I'm in the prime of life. I don't feel old. But at the same time, I realize more and more how fleeting life is...and that, in a few years, I'm going to look back and it's all going to be gone.

When you look at things that way, the little things don't matter so much. I find myself constantly re-evaluating and thinking about the every day decisions I make and how they will impact my overall life. When I look back on life, what am I going to remember? What am I doing that's worthwhile? What habits am I forming today? How will they impact me? If I let that root of bitterness fester, how will it affect my life in 6 months? 5 years?

So...lately, I've been known to leave my messy house to help my Cub Scouts carve soap sculptures, take a drive with my husband, meet a friend for coffee, and volunteer to clean the church. Because in 20 years, I won't remember that my house went an extra day with dishes in the sink. But I will remember the moments I spend with the people I love and the God I serve. The things of this life will fade away, but the time and effort I pour into others can make a lasting imprint on a human soul.

Ahhh...Pinterest

2012-02-07T09:24:00.000-08:00

It is creating a monster.

Last night, as we were planning a bridal shower, our conversation sounded like this:

Did you see this pin?

I want to do this...did you see the pin?

Etc. Etc.

It actually sounds more like a Pinterest themed shower than a cherry blossom themed shower, but...anyway.

It makes me feel like *I* can be crafty (which is stretch to any imagination). It has me fiddling with dinner recipes and creating cool desserts. It makes me unconsciously spend vast amount of times pinning and dreaming.

But it does transfer to reality a little bit, which makes me feel better. This weekend, I made this. When I was asked what it was, I simply replied, "A heart attack on a spoon." Which...is pretty accurate. Add about half a cup of extra powder sugar, another extra 1/4 c. of brown sugar, and it's AMAZING. I served it with graham crackers.

(And then threw the remnants down the garbage disposal to help out the whole Biggest Loser thing).

Last week, I also made this, which I actually pinned in order to fill up my "quick dinner recipes" board. It was a winner with my husband's wing-loving tastes.

And the bridal shower?

Well, we're going to try and make these and put them in these.

And we're going to make these cool fruit kabobs...and do mad libs...that I'm too lazy to hunt down pictures for.

I think this is the beginning of a very good relationship. :)

It's your choice

2012-02-04T20:06:00.000-08:00

Considering I teach sixth and seventh graders...work in Cub Scouts...teach Sunday School...work in our Youth Department...and often have a small person in my arms...

...I say these words a lot.

We're all about choices in America. It's one of the methods we're taught in teaching, and I find it pretty effective:
"You can sit there and talk and waste my time if you would like...and take home today's assignment as your homework. That's fine. It's YOUR choice."

I like to promptly take the behavior and flip it so they realize the consequences that they will receive as a direct result of their actions. I want them to recognize that they are responsible for their actions...and, thus, responsible for the consequences. If I'm going to effectively guide them, I have to show them this. If they continually associate me with negative consequences, I'm just teaching them to fear me and my methods; I have to teach them to think for themselves and make the correct decisions, even if they are uncomfortable and painful at the time.

Sometimes, I think America needs a crash course in this as well. We're well aware of our rights as Americans to make choices...but what I think we've forgotten is the power behind making the RIGHT choices.

It's true that we have a lot more options these days. Right now, if you're pregnant, you have the choice to raise your baby...give it up for adoption....or abort your baby. None of us can stop it. It's your choice. It's funny, though. The only time you really hear "choice" brought up is in abortion. You never hear "choice" brought up with choosing to raise your child or give them up for adoption.

In our marriages, it has never been easier to obtain a divorce. I say "easy" somewhat facetiously, since divorce is never easy, regardless of the circumstances, but it seems like "choice" seems to be brought up more and more when it comes to divorce. "Well, I'm not happy, and I do have the CHOICE to leave."

Yes. But you also have the CHOICE to stay. And you made the CHOICE to marry.
(In no way am I condemning someone who has divorced or is in the process of being divorced. It happens. Sometimes it's necessary. But I happen to think it's probably not necessary in 50% of the marriages in the US.)

And the list goes on and on...

"Well, it's my choice to...

...live with my boyfriend/girlfriend before marriage
...believe what I want to believe
...do what I want to do
...experiment with drugs and alcohol"

Etc. Etc. Etc.

And, yes. It's is a free country. And there is that choice.

But we've forgotten the power of making the RIGHT choice. Of teaching our children the power of making the right choices.

Of the reward of raising that baby or giving them to a loving home. Of sticking with the marriage and getting counseling and falling in love with your spouse all over again. Of making yourself get up early in the morning to pray even when you're sleepy. Of volunteering to clean at the church even though you despise, despise, despise cleaning toilets.

And while the power of choice in those options doesn't give us an easy way out, it empowers us beyond what we can imagine.

Feb. 1

2012-02-01T12:56:00.000-08:00

I lack creativity when it comes to writing a title today. Blame it on being curled up sick at home.

But today IS Feb. 1...and this is what was on J's nightstand this morning.Blame Pinterest. :) I'm not usually the romantic one, surprisingly (thought I love it when HE is romantic), so I thought I'd step it up a notch this V-day. He'll get one every day until V-day.

I contemplated posting a picture of one of my ankles on here for interest, but, judging from the nurse's reaction today, it's still not for the faint of heart.

So...I fell down the stairs. And hurt myself...badly. Both the doctor and the nurse wanted to know if I had my one ankle x-rayed, but I told them that, considering the fact that I had four doctor appointments in one month, I was over doctors, no offense. I think it should be fine, but both legs are literally black and blue. I have purchased several pairs of dark colored tights and have been wearing them every day. I have learned that it IS indeed possible for one's entire foot to turn green and one's toes to turn completely black/purple.

I've had a pretty rough month healthwise. I just had to stop my mom from driving up her to hover around because she can't stand it. While I would have liked it, I think it's a little much for her to do that. It's funny, though, how much you still want your mom at 25....

2012-01-08T21:11:00.000-08:00

Football is a great hobby, but a terrible god. ~David Nasser

I think that's my new favorite quote. Tonight after church, I logged on to FB and saw that my feed was FLOODED with status updates about the Broncos game.

And it kind of bugs me.

No, wait. It REALLY bugs me.

All the time, I hear about how apathetic Americans are. How we're lazy and disinterested and just don't care.

But those people clearly haven't read my FB feed lately...or attended a football game...or brought up the subject in general.

Americans haven't lost their passion. They've just moved it.

And as much as it bugs me, it challenges me. I hope that when one looks at my FB feed...holds conversations with me...reads my blog...

...that I can match their passion about things that MATTER.

Tea

2012-01-06T21:43:00.000-08:00

Yes, I'm writing about tea. Because I'm random like that.

And because I cannot figure out, for the life of me, how this girl who has never set foot in the south can make apparently make southern sweet tea.

Ever since I have moved to this area, everyone has raved over my tea. I always kind of puzzled over this....until I started watching everyone here make tea. It's always the same: they throw a zillion tea bags in some water on the stove, boil it, and add a bunch of cold water and pour it over ice cubes.

That's not tea. That's flavored water.

Not that there's anything wrong with flavored water. But, eh...that's not tea. And I realized why everyone likes mine...because it's TEA. Or, as they call it here, sweet tea.

(Which is also odd to me. It's redundant in my opinion. Tea is sweet. And cold. Yes, sometimes you drink herbal tea. Or hot tea. But if you're drinking tea, it is sweet and cold by nature. Anyway.)

The other day, a friend of mine came over, and I handed her a glass of tea. She drank it and sighed with happiness, "THIS is sweet tea." Did I mention she's from the south?

Weird.

But, for the record, THIS is how you make tea:

1. Boil a kettle of water.
2. Pour it into your "tea pitcher." (What? Not everyone has a designated tea pitcher? Weird).
3. Add two big tea bags or four small ones.
4. Boil a second kettle of water. Pour it into the pitcher. (Note: Do NOT add cold water. Do NOT wait on this step.)
5. Let the pitcher sit for at least two hours. The best tea is when you let it sit overnight, but that's kind of annoying.
6. Remove tea bags.
7. Add 1.5 cups of sugar.
8. Refrigerate until it is completely cold. (You don't want to have tons of ice because it waters it down).

THAT is tea. :D

Here we go!

2012-01-05T16:22:00.000-08:00

I just signed up to be part of the Biggest Loser competition at the school where I'm student teaching. EEEP.

Thanks to a formal diagnosis of Hashimoto's Thyroiditis and the proper treatment, it appears that I am finally in a position to really tackle my weight. I have put on forty pounds in two years (HELLO thyroid problems) and could NOT lose the weight. I tried everything, and every pound was a miserable, hungry struggle. So I gave up and bought bigger clothes.

But I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I feel awful. I feel huge. I have a whole wardrobe of skinny clothes. I have frequent meltdowns while dressing because nothing fits right. I hate pictures. And mirrors. I look...as the doctor put it..."swollen." MEH. I've successfully lost weight in the past, so I know I can do it AND maintain it if my body will cooperate.

I've lost 4 lbs since Christmas by doing my typical stuff...lots of water, small/healthy meals, fruits/veggies, fewer sweets. I'm all about moderation. I do NOT want to spend my days eating celery and being miserable. That lasts all of two minutes. Anyway, considering it took me 4 months to lose 8 lbs before, I think that I can confidently say I should be able to really do this this time. I hope. <3

My plan for the next couple of weeks:
--Track all food in my SparkPeople app (1250-1500 calories a day)
--Drink 6-8 glasses of water a day
--Eat several small, healthy meals a day (I'm doing this already with success)
--Try to figure out some sort of exercise schedule

I'm pretty nervous since I've had so many struggles with weight loss. And weighing in on a weekly basis (on a MONDAY, no less) is a bit nerve-wracking. I've always treated weekends as a vacation day, but now I'll actually have to be even more careful on those days. I'm thinking of treating myself every Monday that I show a loss. Plus, I have to pay $1 for every pound I gain and every weigh-in that I don't change. That's definitely a motivator!

Wish me luck. :D

So where have I been?

2012-01-04T16:06:00.000-08:00

In 2011, I....

...defended my thesis

...spent 6 weeks unemployed

...spent another 6 weeks temping for H&R Block

...worked 10 months as a deputy clerk of the court

...took umpteen picture of my puppy

...became very, very familiar with every job searching took on the planet between me and my husband's job searches

...learned to live so frugally that I almost cringe at the word

...decided rather suddenly to quit my stable, steady job and student teach

...chose a doctoral program

Um. I think that's it. You're back up to speed now. :)

No, really. I'm back.

2012-01-02T14:36:00.000-08:00

Because...*gasp*...we have internet again.

I'm back

2011-09-11T16:04:00.001-07:00

I'm bored with posting about frugality...'cause frugality isn't really fun anymore.

We haven't taken any cool trips or done anything super cool to update the other blog.

And I miss blogging randomly. :) Because my life IS random. I keep trying to categorize the blog and keep it all nice and neat...but life isn't really like that. So, I'm opening my thoughts back up for awhile. I may turn it private if I start blogging steadily. We shall see. :)

Just a reminder...

2010-09-27T15:39:00.001-07:00

..you can find me here periodically.

Meh.

2010-09-16T13:05:00.000-07:00

The disorganization of this blog is driving me batty.

So, I'm about to make it private. I will keep my "joint" blog with J going, though, with pictures and such of our day-to-day life. See you there!

Things I've learned this week

2010-09-02T09:07:00.000-07:00

1) This is the worst allergy season in 10 years.

2) I kind of already knew this instinctively, but it made me feel a little bit better about this week.

3) I should never, ever try to weather a summer season without heavy duty prescribed meds..especially the worst season in 10 years.

4) It really is possible to slowly go into anaphylactic shock due to those allergies.

5) A swollen face it probably not a good thing. If you can't see both sides equally or if it hurts to touch your face...something is probably wrong.

6) The same goes for the whole gasping/wheezing/unable to breathe bit.

7)There is such a thing as allergic shiners/cobble mouth. If you have both....not a good thing.

8) If you have a good doctor, they aren't going to care how much you owe or whether or not you have insurance when you call gasping and wheezing for an appointment.

9) You really, really shouldn't go to your meeting with your thesis advisor in the middle of the mother of all allergy attacks. If you do, the meeting will be spent discussing your health and hearing things like, "This is NOT okay." Said advisor will also not be convinced by your protest that, really, you ARE healthier than you've been in years and will think you are working yourself to death. Oh. Wait...

10) Sometimes, steroids are really, really good things.

That's my week in a nutshell. It should get better now....

What I've been doing...

2010-08-27T14:07:00.000-07:00

...obviously not blogging.

1) Coping. J's full-time job is no more, thanks to a nasty union policy. I'm okay...he's okay...we're going to be okay...but it was a bit of a blow, to say the least. We had two weeks to get excited and plan...and then BAM. Luckily, he was able to enter the paramedic program and is still working PRN, so it will all work out.

2) Sneezing. This is made even more bitter by the fact that J's job would have brought us the necessary insurance to get my allergy meds again...but...oh well. Until then, we will both huddle in abject misery with a large stash of Kleenex, Benedryl, Alavert, and eyedrops. Nothing fully works, but...it'll snow soon, right?

3) Attending way, way too many meetings. I did get some cool books and free teaching supplies to make it a bit more bearable.

4) Trying out my new schedule. So far, dinner has been an abject fail, as I've come home and promptly fallen asleep every.single.day...but..yeah. Soon.

5) Fiddling with my grocery bill. Finally, finally...I've figured out how to pare our grocery expenses down combining sales, coupons, and buying in bulk. Considering (1), this is a handy skill. I'm still gloating over all the cereal I snagged for $.95/box last week. I'm NOT going to tell you how many boxes are in my cabinet.

6) Teaching, teaching, teaching! Wonderful classes...but...very, very full schedule.

It's been a rough day...

2010-08-19T19:30:00.000-07:00

...and this song really ministered to me today.

Bad blogger (and how I'm organizing my life)

2010-08-17T20:58:00.000-07:00

I must confess that I've forgotten what I'm supposed to be posting on. I'll try to catch up. Maybe.

This is the week before school starts, which, of course, means that life is getting significantly busier. For the past three semesters, I've been wrestling with the seemingly impossible task of juggling a very demanding work schedule with an active church life...and still manage to see my husband. While every semester gets a little better, it still ends the same way: me with dark circles under my eyes, a messy house, a refrigerator containing mostly Dr. Pepper and take-out containers, and an overflowing laundry basket. I gain weight, get grumpy, turn into a hermit, cry a lot, and usually get sick.

This is no bueno. Part of this will be remedied when I make the jump from adjunct teaching to...whatever...I end up doing. However, adjunct is my lot for the next year, and it is my goal to make things a bit better and a bit smoother without sacrificing my classroom or my personal life. I feel somewhat more confident this semester, despite the challenge of teaching six composition classes, as I am way more ahead of the game than usual.

What really works for me is organization....lots and lots of organization. What killed me last year is that I often had to fly by the seat of my...skirt?...and that makes me crazy. I've been encouraged by some to teach that way, but, personally, it just doesn't work. Being organized helps me feel more in control, and, besides, there's something just so lovely about a color-coded Excel spreadsheet....

Here is what I've done so far to try and tackle the upcoming semester:

Control Journal. This was stolen from the Flylady. I started her program but became too overwhelmed with all the emails. It didn't quite fit my life, so I left it. However, after some contemplation and modification, I have figured out a version that works for me. My control journal is a little notebook with three divisions. The first one has a little pocket where I stick coupons and a lot of blank paper for notes and such. I also put some tentative, simple routines that will help me keep my house clean throughout the week (More on that later...). The second section has a master list of the meals I make, a list of recipes I want to try for dinner, and a list of recipes I want to take to church meetings (which happen a lot). I then have space where I can create grocery lists and weekly meal plans. The last section is where I have copied her deep cleaning lists and modified them for our house. I am horrible about this, so I'm hoping to tackle one section a month. This journal is already super helpful because I have everything I need about my household in one spot.

Baskets. This is weird, and I just figured it out...but it's making my life a WHOLE lot easier. My husband--and I love him to death--is not a neat freak. At all. He likes to spread out, and he has more cords and little computer pieces than any other individual I know. It drives me crazy when I'm trying to pick up and I've got 5,000 cords and screws to put away. Every time I put them away, it inevitably ends to him flying through all of the stuff and making even more of a mess when he's searching for one random cord. So. I have these little baskets from the Dollar Tree that have become his. When I'm flying through on my daily straightening up, I just scoop up all the random parts and put them in the little baskets. They look SO much neater, and I don't lose anything.

My planner. I know, I know; this is a no-brainer. However, my little planner is truly becoming my brain and allowing me to combine all the areas of my life. This year, I've taken to writing down when every major assignment is due. As each week passes, I'll block out an evening to grade each assignment so I'm not frantically trying to grade them.

Meal planning. I'm taking this to a new level this year. Every two weeks, I sit down with a website that matches sales and coupons. From there, I devise a grocery shopping list and meals. I make a rough plan of meals (not per day) and I shop. That's it. I'm done. No shopping every three or four days and spending unnecessary money. That's it. Throughout the week, I look at the list and decide what fits best for each day.

Planning ahead...to a ridiculous extent. When I have free time, I'm utilizing it. J is working nights now, so I'm taking that time to get things done so I can spend my free days with him. I have all of my major assignments mapped out, my gradebooks beautifully calculated and coordinated, etc.

Saving my weekends. I need a break. This semester, I'm following my vow to only work 4 days a week, which I've found to be a HUGE help. I'm hoping that, with J working nights, I can utilize my time wisely enough to get my grading and class prep done while he is working so I can spend my weekends with him and with friends. Sundays are going to be my day OFF. I NEED a day where I can just focus on being with my friends, my family, and my Jesus. It makes my perspective worlds better.

So. That's the game plan. :) We shall see...

Day 14: A nonfiction book

2010-08-14T22:04:00.000-07:00

I first heard of Erin Gruwell when I was a junior in college in an educational psychology class. Our professor showed us a video from her husband's conference where they told her story and brought her and her student, Maria, in. The story was amazing. I cried and promptly went home and ordered her first book, The Freedom Writer's Diary.

However, I found her second book to be the best. It told the story behind the diary entries and is inspiring.

It also tells of the personal sacrifice she made to teach. While personal sacrifice is a given, she went above and beyond. Her marriage even paid the ultimate price.

Her story reminds me of the careful line I walk. As much as I love teaching and care about my students, my family has to take top priority.

Day 13: A fictional book

2010-08-13T22:00:00.000-07:00

Hmm...well, I've already gushed about To Kill a Mockingbird and the Chronicles of Narnia...

...I guess the next step is to talk about my love of British Victorian literature.

Yes, I'm serious. I DO have (almost) two English degrees.

My absolute favorite would have to be Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, followed closely by The Tenant of Wildfell Hall by Anne Bronte. I've actually read every single Bronte book, but those are my two favorites. I loved Wuthering Heights, too.

I'm not sure exactly what I'm supposed to be blogging about those said books, so I'll just say this.

READ THEM. ;)

Day 12: Whatever tickles my fancy

2010-08-12T03:36:00.000-07:00

Hmmmm.....

How about this youtube video of our choir at the Passing the Torch conference last October? This is such a neat song to sing!

Day 11: A recent photo of yourself

2010-08-11T09:07:00.000-07:00

This is J and I in New York in June...

So far this week...

2010-08-10T20:31:00.000-07:00

This is usually the time that I start pacing. Yesterday I was thinking about how well I've handled this break from work (I've been off two weeks). Today, I realized that, in the past week, I have done the following:

1) Looked up plane tickets to London
2) Asked said husband if he would mind if I went to London without him
3) Tried to plan my anniversary trip for next May
4)Asked said husband all sorts of things about what he wants to do on said trip and gave up and detailed an itinerary
5) Contemplated going back for my teaching license (and actually tried to call an advisor)
6) Entertained the thought of getting another M.A. in each of the following: curriculum and instruction, history, and theology.
7) Tried to get my husband to help me compile a rough plan of our lives for the next five years.
8) Outlined our budget for the next four months.

And, no. I'm not making any of those up.

I think I need to go back to work now.

I also think my husband would strongly, strongly agree.

Day 10: A photo of you taken over 10 years ago

2010-08-10T07:35:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken at youth camp back in 2000. I was 14, and I had asked one of the other girls to do my hair. It ended up looking very, very different than my usual style...to the point that, when I went to church that night, my uncle didn't recognize me. I have yet to have the courage to ever do my hair like that again, but I did love the way it looked!

Day 9: A photo I took

2010-08-09T07:31:00.000-07:00

This was one of my favorite pictures that I took in Scotland. This particular picture was taken in Lochranza, a tiny town on the isle of Arran. It was one of the loveliest places I have ever seen.

Day 8: A photo that makes me sad

2010-08-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

This is me almost three years ago en route to the surgery that would change my life....

Day 7: A photo that makes me happy

2010-08-07T07:24:00.000-07:00

This was taken by our talented photographer just minutes after J proposed. :) I love, love, love the sheer happiness radiating from our faces here. :D

Day 6: Livin' in the gray...

2010-08-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

(Or...whatever tickles my fancy...)

I've always been driven and focused. Since I was a teenager, I looked to the years ahead and dreamed. The past few years have seen the fruits of that dream as I have steadily, methodically made checkmarks on my life list.

High school diploma a year early? Check.
A.A? Check.
B.A.? Check.
M.A? Almost check.

I threw in some traveling, lots of job experiences, and a husband in there as well. ;) For the past few years, my direction has been focused....get through high school...get through this degree...and that degree...and now this degree.... Things were fairly black and white...eh...well up until the past year.

Now...things aren't so black and white. The years stretch out in front of me and they are...gray.

What to do now? Do I keep teaching adjunct? Finish my teaching license? Get another degree? Do I try to find a full-time job for that blissful security or teach on a flexible schedule so I can take off on random trips? Do we start a family? Or should I save for one or two awesome trips so we can travel? And what about that missions trip to the Phillippines we keep putting off?

And J? What does he do? His list of questions are as long as mine. We're finding that it's a lot more difficult to figure out what we want to do when we have another person's life being affected.

I don't quite know how to handle living in the gray. When people ask my plans, I just sort of shrug. I'm not focused anymore. I really...don't...know. It's unsettling.

But I'm learning that living in the gray isn't all bad. It keeps things interesting, at the very least.

And, most importantly? It keeps me on my knees.

So, maybe...living in the gray isn't so bad after all. Maybe.

Day 5: My favorite quote

2010-08-05T08:55:00.000-07:00

Eh...Do I have to pick just one?

"Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself."
— C.S. Lewis (Mere Christianity)

Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the little voice at the end of the day that says I'll try again tomorrow. ~Mary Anne Radmacher

My current favorite (because, yes, they change like my songs...)

Thus, in one sense, the road back to God is a road of moral effort, of
trying harder and harder. But in another sense it is not trying that is
ever going to bring us home. All this trying leads up to the vital
moment at which you turn to God and say, "You must do this. I can't. ~C.S. Lewis

Day 4: My favorite book

2010-08-04T18:08:00.000-07:00

(I should post a disclaimer. The Bible is, hands down, the greatest book of all. However, I am going on the fact that it should be already known as THE greatest book, and thus this post will focus on another book. Or books)

Anyway. I adore books. Thus, I cannot choose just one favorite; I must, must, MUST talk about at least two.

First, I love To Kill a Mockingbird. I read it probably once every year, and I may or may not have tried to wheedle our husband to name our first child Harper because, um, well, with our last name? Yeah. It would be AWESOME. I love that it was written by a woman during a time when that wasn't so cool...I love the story line...and I absolutely LOVE Scout and Atticus.

Then, my second big love is the Chronicles of Narnia....with my favorite being The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe. The books define classics...love them, love them, love them!

Day 3: Ten on Tuesday

2010-08-03T08:54:00.000-07:00

1) This is my first week off of school....yay!

2) We're still trying to get to MO. So far, my Gram has hurt her back, my mom has come down with the flu, and, now, my estrogen levels are wonky, reducing me to a ball on my couch.

3) We'll get there...some time.

4) Next week, I have jury duty and ladies retreat...

5)...and then I go back to work the next week for training.

6) And, just like that, summer is over.

7) I'm a wee bit depressed, really.

8) However, the idea of fall....of pumpkin bread and apple cider...of pretty leaves...and cooler weather...doesn't seem too bad.

9) It's just the idea of grading papers for six composition classes. What was I thinking?

10) So...I have one week to get my house together and myself organized for fall. Wish me luck. :)

Day 2: Whatever tickles my fancy

2010-08-02T10:44:00.000-07:00

Today, whatever tickles me fancy happens to be a quote from one of my Sunday school kids yesterday.

J: How many of you have ever gone sky diving?
Child: Well...would you consider jumping off of a swing kind of like sky diving?
J: *staring* Eh...not quite...

Day 1: My favorite song

2010-08-01T08:55:00.000-07:00

Eeek. If you've read my blog any time at all, you know that I'm always posting songs I love. There is no earthly way I can nail it down to one favorite song. None.

So...I'll post a few of my current favorites:

Okay. I'll stop...

I'm totally stealing this (AKA 30 days of me)

2010-07-31T17:53:00.000-07:00

I can't pass up these types of things...this sounds fun and should liven up my blog for the next 30 days and spare you all from too much detail about what is really happening in K-land (mass cleaning/organizing/prepping for the next semester).

So, here's the line-up for the next 30 days (with some editing):

Day 1: Your favorite song

Day 2: Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 3: Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 4: Your favorite book

Day 5: Your favorite quote

Day 6: Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 7: A photo that makes you happy

Day 8: A photo that makes you angry/sad

Day 9: A photo you took

Day 10: A photo of you taken over ten years ago

Day 11: A photo of you taken recently

Day 12: Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 13: A fictional book

Day 14: A non-fictional book

Day 15: A fanfic

Day 16: A song that makes you cry (or nearly)

Day 17: An art piece (painting, drawing, sculpture, etc.)

Day 18: Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 19: A talent of yours

Day 20: A hobby of yours

Day 21: A recipe

Day 22: A website

Day 23: A YouTube video

Day 24: Whatever tickles your fancy

Day 25: Your day, in great detail

Day 26: Your week, in great detail

Day 27: This month, in great detail

Day 28: This year, in great detail

Day 29: Hopes, dreams and plans for the next 365 days

Day 30: Whatever tickles your fancy

This is how we approach babies

2010-07-28T23:03:00.000-07:00

Babies. You know, those cute little snuggle bunnies that scream half the night?

The ones that everyone who got married right around the same time we did happen to either be nurturing in utero or cuddling...or, in the case of one very fertile friend, both.

Us? Yeah...we're crazy. We have timelines and deadlines and things that must.be.accomplished. However, truth be known, all the things that must.be.accomplished have actually BEEN accomplished.

We also have a very rapidly ticking biological clock. Unfortunately, that same person within which the biological clock is rapidly ticking also has very cold feet. My partner happens to be very supportive of said cold feet.

So. Now that things that must.be.accomplished HAVE been accomplished, this is how conversations go in my house....

Man, I'm SO glad we don't have kids.
Me, too. Did you see so-and-so's children tonight?
AGH! Yes! I don't ever know if I want children after that. Effective birth control....

You know, I wouldn't mind not ever having kids...
Eh...
Did I mention I ever forgot my birth control pills three times this month?

Oh. Well, if we DID have kids, we'd be great parents.
Yeah.
We could totally do it. See, let's look on Craigslist. See! Here's a big box of Pampers for super cheap....*frowns* But you probably shouldn't buy a breastpump from craigslist.
NO. Of course not. And we'll only use Playtex nursers. I've researched it.

Yes.
If we were to have kids.

I'd be okay if we had kids right now.
Yeah...but I really don't want them right now.
Do you think we'll ever want them?
I want them! In theory. I just want God to surprise me. (NOT NOW, God...)

*laughter*

And,yes. Those are real conversations. Those are the conversations where we conveniently forget about scarring and health complications and just let ourselves be a normal young married couple and wonder about what might be some day. And, when the time comes, I hope we get a chance to do all that without the tears and frustration that can accompany subfertility. We can only hope. <3

10 on Tuesday

2010-07-27T22:28:00.000-07:00

1) I haven't blogged for a while....

2) Final papers, final exams, and trying to make a house a home keeps one very, very busy.

3) As does having an aunt fracture her thoracic vertebrae in three places.

4) When I was whining about wanting to take a vacation over my break, I really didn't mean that I wanted to take a whirlwind trip to Missouri this weekend, of all places.

5) But that's what we're doing...because that's what families do. We'll take my Gram up, visit my aunt, and head back.

6) I'm still hoping to take a mini camping vacation next week. There are these darling little cabins we stayed in last year that I'd like to visit.

7) Plus Jer has a "new" (to him) canoe that he wants to play with. I'm not fond of canoes, but I love my husband and it makes him excited.

8) We actually got my bed up this week. I'm excited about finally sleeping in a bed as opposed to an air mattress in the living room. And, yes. It really has been THAT busy.

9) Tomorrow--I'm shooting for the desks (last piece of furniture to put up) and pictures on the wall. Bit by bit..

10) I AM done w/school. I am incredibly, incredibly glad and am hoping for a rejuvenating three weeks that will allow me to remember WHY I do the job I do....

Moving misc...

2010-07-12T12:57:00.000-07:00

Our newly painted kitchen table and chairs...in the one room that's completely done. (Don't mind the hideous wallpaper.

The budding baby grapes on our porch

Our newly painted freezer. :P It's a hand-me-down that we are most grateful for, but, before J unleashed the paint sprayer on it, it was a bit...ghetto. It's still ghettoish since we had to put it outside, but it's much prettier. :P

And here is our newest acquisition: a porch swing!
I knew that our porch needed one as soon as I saw it, but I figured it would be a purchase made much further down the line. Until we saw this one on sale...and J convinced me an impulse buy was a necessity. So.

Snippets from my classroom

2010-07-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

Student: It's so hard working full-time and going to school.
Me: Yes, I know.
Student: Really? Where do you work?

******************

Me: Actually, corporal punishment is not illegal and is still practiced in some schools.
Student: You mean....*horrified look*...you could spank US???
(Note: My students are adults.)
Me: Eh...no. That would be assault.

Ten on Tuesday

2010-07-06T14:36:00.000-07:00

1. In case you didn't tell from my last post, J GOT A JOB. :D :D :D

2. 100 other applicants...2 positions...he has little experience and wanted Sundays off...but his wife was recruiting the forces for prayer while he was at that interview. He had no idea. ;) It's been a loooonnng 16 months or so, but God has been faithful...

3. I'm TIRED of grading papers. I got behind between being sick, moving, and fireworks booths. I feel like I will never catch up.

4. I also feel like my house will never be back to normal. We basically shoved everything in the house and started our shifts at the fireworks stand. I've tried to empty out at least one kitchen box a day, and we've rearranged our living furniture in a semi-permanent fashion. That's about it. Boxes are everywhere... *whimpers*

5. I'd take a few days to just move if I wasn't so incredibly behind. Maybe this weekend. Maybe.

6. I was able to cook dinner last night...after plowing through boxes to find my spices and a colander. Bit by bit, I guess.

7. Tomorrow, I get all of my condiments back from my grandmother. The refrigerator at our new place went out, so, in order to save us some $$, my grandmother took them back home with her and kept them for us until she came back through. It's better than buying all new ones.

8.Our phones don't really work in our new house. It's half-hearted at best. Sometimes they ring...sometimes they don't. I definitely can't make phone calls from inside. I have to go on the porch. Awesome.

9. I have lost 4 lbs! Okay. It's not that big of a deal, but it's still 4 lbs. Slowly, but surely. Hopefully I can stick with weight watchers longer than the clean eating. I was bad while moving, but I still lost some because my appetite has shrunk and we moved around so much. So. Only 36 more to go until I reach my big goal. I'll reassess then. :)

10. Our shower has decided not to get hot. Ever. We're debating as to how to fix that, because, really, who wants to call their new landlord up twice in two weeks? He already had to shell out major $$ for a new refrigerator... Plus, my house is a mess and everyone is forbidden from coming over. :P

Teaching is great preparation for parenthood

2010-07-03T17:24:00.001-07:00

Seriously.

--Students follow me around...everywhere. They walk with me from the parking lot in...they follow me into the bathroom on break...and then they walk out with me. One even showed up at the fireworks booth the other day for me to help them with their paper. I have learned to go all day without eating or going to the restroom out of sheer survival instinct.

--I can handle almost any crisis in the classroom with complete aplomb.

--I've learned how to quickly separate conflicts between students with a smile and without them really realizing what's going on.

--I'm used to having anywhere from 3-5 students cramming around my desk at once, all needing immediate attention. I can redirect, assess the need, and answer all of them in 3 minutes.

--I can be really stern one minute and giving a hug in the next...sometimes to the same student.

--I'm really not fazed when students spout off, send nasty e-mails, or slam the door in my face.

--Little thank-you notes totally and completely make my day.

--I teach manners and respect right along with English.

--I can hear everything. And see everything. At least, that's what they think.

Seasons

2010-07-02T21:41:00.000-07:00

Living in Colorado, I am able to fully enjoy each and every season. Each season is marked by a distinct season change, and I find that, at the end of each season, I'm more than ready to welcome the new one.

I also have found that I handle change so much more smoothly when I view life in seasons. A couple years ago, I wrote about a very painful season change. Today, I'm writing about seasons...but much more welcome change. My life never seems to stay the same for long, and I think that's on purpose. While it tends to send me into a bit of dither at times, I often suspect I would become bored.

I just realized that today, as we speed through summer into fall, we are also transitioning into a very different season in our lives. We'll spend the next few weeks adjusting: unpacking boxes, filling out HR paperwork (J), and preparing for a fall semester with two new jobs for J plus school and a full-time semester for me without school.

I can't help wonder what this next year will hold as I reminisce about the last year.

This past year has been hard. People shake their heads and marvel at the things we lived through our first year of marriage. When we got married, J was unemployed and my job didn't start for three months. Unemployment didn't come in for probably...eh...a month after the wedding. To this day, I have no clue how we survived. I tried to do a budget, but the $ coming in didn't even meet the basic necessities.

From the week after our honeymoon until about six months after, I was sick non-stop. Without insurance. I am ever thankful for indigent care and student clinics.

So...yeah. I was sick. We were poor. J couldn't find a job. Our apartment was tiny. My job was making me break down in tears randomly. I could barely cook.

And then I tried to write a thesis on top of that. Oh yeah...and the car wreck that totaled our vehicle...and the two deaths in my family...

All I have to say is...Jesus. That's it. That's how we did it.

But you know what's so cool about it?

We had fun.

Really.

Our apartment may have been falling apart, and we may have not had a lot of extra money, but we knew how to make it count. Our house was always filled with love and laughter, and we made countless memories...as a couple and with friends.

We learned so much...

... there really is a purpose in everything.
...Totino's pizza and boxed mac and cheese really stretch a budget.
...it's okay to cry.
...God really will supply every need.
... pray boldly. It works.
...there are a lot of things you really don't need.
...you can take a trip on an astonishingly small budget.
...random trips for dinner are the best.
...ice cream solves everything.
...all you need is paper plates, paper towels, pizza, and legos (for the kids) to entertain.
...pick your battles.
...the internet answers everything.
...asking for help doesn't mean you're weak...it means you're smart.
...the world really won't end if you don't get something done.
...everything will be okay.
...sometimes you just need sleep and a Dr. Pepper, and the world is a better place.
...you can do a lot with scrap wood and rope.

And so much more.

Our next season will be quite a bit different. We've been married a year now. You can actually see the carpet in our living room now, and we have closets to hide things. Jer will be starting two jobs, and, as soon as my thesis is defended, I'm kissing school goodbye. I still see a lot of mac and cheese and Totinos in our future, but that's okay. I still can't cook super well, but at least we have some variety now. I still turn pale at the sight of Created to be His Helpmeet, but I haven't had a crying jag over being a bad wife for a few weeks now. My immune system is fairly normal now, and, other than the occasional scarring episode that lands me in the ER periodically, I'm semi-well. I'm only on antibiotics every few months vs. every few weeks. My job is crazy, but I'm 100x more confident in what I'm doing.

I can't wait to see what God teaches us in this new season...

Bits and pieces...in photos!

2010-07-01T18:08:00.000-07:00

Anyone know what this flower is? It's growing in my yard...I think it's some sort of climbing plant.

My new daily reminder of God's provision...in my backyard! Consider the lilies...

My MIL's present to me yesterday. No. I'm not pregnant. No. We haven't filed adoption paperwork. Everyone is just...anxious...

When we decide to start our family, our babies will be VERY much anticipated. ;) I will add these to the ever growing "baby box" in our spare room.

This is what happens to your keyboard when you use it to write a thesis. Oops.

Cutest picture ever. Makes me smile every time. Since we hope to adopt a little girl from Korea, the idea of J holding a blondie on one knee (we were both blondies as babies) and a dark-haired little girl on the other...gives me a glimpse of what we hope will be some day. :)

Notes on moving

2010-06-30T22:17:00.000-07:00

1) You don't realize how dirty your clean house is until you move. OY. I clean. A lot. Honestly.

2) Moving a household in a week around school/work/church/fireworks schedules? No bueno.

3) Further complicate the above with a jeep that went into the shop. For a WEEK. Thank God for friends who brought a truck to help us move most of our stuff. My Neon doesn't quite cut it for moving 20 minutes away.

4) Further complicate the above two items with a rather sick Kari.

5) Apparently, moving on top of everything else has destroyed my immune system. Again. I go back to the doctor for a consultation as to why my body suddenly refuses to respond to antibiotics. YAY.

6) Moving also makes you realize how much you like to cook. Especially when your mother-in-law inadvertently packs all your food a week before you actually move. I think I hate french fries.

7) Trying to "rest" while figuring out the move and house repairs...no bueno. My mom and gram made an emergency trip down today to help me finish cleaning after I started crumbling last night.

Tomorrow, we'll pack the last of the stuff into our cars and head to our new home. It's filled with boxes, but at least we'll be in one place!

Pray BOLDLY

2010-06-22T16:30:00.000-07:00

So. For about a month, we've been agonizing over our housing situation. Our apartment is about 450 sq. ft, and it has become increasingly clear that we.must.move. Not only are we tripping over each other, but my office is also currently my husband's machine shop half the time, and it's making.me.twitch.

And, of course, there's the fact that we just found out the place is riddled with mold...which is probably why I've spent the past year wheezing. Did I mention I'm highly allergic to mold?

And the new neighbors who make me very nervous to be by myself and who spend all hours jumping up and down on our ceiling (!) and the other neighbor who pounded our shared wall so hard it knocked my bookshelf down.

Oh. And the cabinets that are literally falling apart. The front of the cabinets are coming off, the knobs...and one just...fell..and destroyed about 15 of my glasses.

However, there have been a few other things that have made us unsure of how to proceed and when. So, Sunday, when I had absolutely had it with the uncertainty, I prayed: God, I need to know now what we need to do.

Monday, a friend calls us about a place for rent by her house. We signed the papers today.

It's a trailer in a suburb. No crazy neighbors. No grass, but there are rocks instead of dirt and lots and lots of flowers. And grapes. Two decks. Two bedrooms and two bathrooms. A hookup for a washer and dryer. Double the space. Central air.

Yes...the wallpaper (who wallpapers these days?) has BIRDS on it. (We're painting.) And the carpet is pale BLUE (can't wait to see how my red kitchen appliances look...egads...).

But it's still my answered prayer and a reminder that, even when God is making you wait on a whole lot of other things, He still has your best interest in mind...and can work mighty fast when you need Him.

Rockstar Recovery

2010-06-16T09:35:00.000-07:00

So I'm back on Weight Watchers again. Yay. I'm pretty motivated, as my NYC pictures have me currently horrified about how much weight I've managed to gain in the past year. Everything is fat, including my face. Yuck.

The first thing I'm working on doing is switching out the large Dr. Pepper I usually tote to class. The caffeine helps me stay awake. ;) I went w/o it yesterday. Not good. I was still exhausted from my trip and couldn't even function while trying to teach my 8 a.m. class, so I broke down and tried the Dr. Pepper.

Today, I brought in the above baby. It's a whopping 20 calories for the entire can, and, while the caffeine isn't healthy, the rest of it isn't too bad. It give me the caffeine I need w/o all the extra calories. Best of all, there's not the nasty aftertaste of artificial sweetener.

SCORE.

New York City

2010-06-15T19:07:00.000-07:00

ly
When one hears of New York City, the usual images of a place filled with excitement and promise appear. Not only was it a place that welcomed countless immigrants, but today it is lauded as a place to catch exciting night life, eat at classy restaurants, watch plays on Broadway, and shop until you drop.

While in NYC this past week, I saw some of this. I went to Broadway. I saw the Statue of Liberty and ate at some cool places. But my picture of NYC is nothing like the one that is portrayed in the media and in our world. Yes, it has some fantastic history and a lot of rich culture.

But the need.

The need is so,so great.

I can't tell you how working in the projects this past week has changed me. We navigated through filthy sidewalks with piles of trash, cigarette butts, excrement, and vomit. Oh. And rats. While I would never, ever consider myself a germaphobe, I found myself in silent horror at the rampant filth. I didn't want to touch anything.

The people were what ripped my heart out the most: Countless individuals with their minds fried out on drugs, prostitutes with plastic smiles, children way too old for their years.

The apartments were often filled with yells and babies crying. My heart broke when I saw the children's care center at the bottom of one dilapidated building.

Overall, there was this pervasive feeling of hopelessness. There was a thick fog of poverty and despair. I'd look at the babies all around and want to weep for the future being set before them: one of drug abuse, poverty, and crime.

It is overwhelming. You wonder what one can do to make even a dent in the enormous need presented. And, really, there's not much we can do physically.

But we can bring them hope. As our youth pastor preached Saturday night, there's something else we can offer them. Silver and gold...no. But Jesus? Yes. We can offer them Jesus, the One who can make sense out of the hopelessness that pervades their world.

After a morning of outreach, we put on a concert right in the middle of the projects. Intrigued by the free food, concert tickets on their doors, and the jiving black gospel music, people began to wander in. We sang about Jesus and hope. And, at the end, we brought in one of the members of our church who had been addicted to crack cocaine for seven years...and who had the right side of his brain literally blown out at a crack house. His story is another post, but I noticed the heaviest amount of traffic as his story was told. People stopped. People listened. And when they were asked who wanted to get to know Jesus more, hands were slowly raised.

The need. It is so great. The place that is a symbol of liberty is ironically bound with chains so strong that it will take eternal intervention to break.

But He is able. We just need to tell them. They're waiting..

Where I've been

2010-06-14T18:39:00.000-07:00

1) Working on this

http://www.cgcpueblo.blogspot.com/

and

2)

Here

As a result of 2), I am currently dealing with these:

I'll be back soon with some pictures and thoughts roaming around this brain of mind, but I'm currently busy convincing my feet to resume normal size, catching up on sleep (10 hours of sleep in FIVE days), trying to remember what on earth I was teaching before I left, and preparing for a busy week that includes singing at camp w/the choir and attending a wedding!

Dream Home Meme

2010-06-05T07:40:00.000-07:00

I got inspired by Mrs. Lemon's meme of her dream home....

So here you go!

My dream home would include:

A HUGE bathroom with two sinks
(Image from decor planet)

Jer and I only share a bathroom while getting ready for church, but it's always a bit interesting as he tries to shave while I do my hair, etc. Ideally, this would be off the Master bedroom, and our kiddos would have their own bathroom.

A HUGE walk-in closet. Currently, my closet is jam packed, and Jer has to use the one in the spare room. There's not room for all of my shoes, or my coats, or my sweaters. Or anything. I would love one gigantic closet where we could both keep ALL of our clothing. Sweet.

(Image courtesy of www.baysideinstalledbuildingproducts.com)

My bathroom would also include a jacuzzi. I have this tendency to wear very painful high heels and refuse to carry a rolling backpack. Lately, that means I hobble around like I'm 80 because my feet hurt and I've thrown my shoulder out AGAIN. Thus, the jacuzzi would help soothe all the aches my vanity causes...and help J's back to boot.

See below photo of our recent B&B:

I would also have several storage closets. We have SO much junk, and it would really make me happier if I could have it neatly organized in closets instead of strewn across the house, making me twitch.

A shed. Then all of my husband's tools could go in the shed and not in my office.

A huge office. With dark cherry furniture, a globe, and floor-to-ceiling bookshelves on every wall.

A sprawling backyard. With grass. (Which is forbidden by our current landlord.) It would have a lovely deck for a porch swing and our grill, lots of flower beds, a huge privacy fence, and a pool. And the front yard would have lilacs and a black wire fence.

My kitchen would be huge. With an island. And lots of cabinet space.

(Image courtesy of digsdigs.com)

What? You've thought about this a lot, you say? Well...yes.

While I have no desire to get myself into an enormous amount of debt for things, including a bigger house, and while I also believe that happiness is a state of mind...I do dream a bit. While we've done the best we can with our teensy apartment...and have successfully, I think, made it into a cozy little place of love and laughter....when the landlord cuts down my clothesline (!) or forbids grass (!) or when a cabinet door or handle falls off in my hand AGAIN...or when I trip over the upteenth tool of my husbands...I have to let myself dream a bit for the sake of sanity. ;)

Back to school

2010-06-01T20:50:00.000-07:00

Me: So, before I go on, are there any questions?
Student: What's your sign?
Me: *stares* Sign?
Student: Yeah...your sign.
Me: *still staring* My...sign...?
Other student: When's your birthday?
Me: You want my...horoscope? Eh. Aries. I think. I don't know. February. *sputtering slightly* *mumbling* I don't even read my horoscope.

Me: So, any questions?
Student: Do you happen to know what our first essay is going to be on?
Me: Um...yes... *muffled laughter across the classroom*

I'm going to stop asking for questions.

Memorial Day Weekend

2010-06-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

Thursday:
--J takes off on his male bonding/off-roading/camping trip with several buddies.
--I clean the house fast and furiously and spend the evening with one of my good friends, M.

Friday:
--I head down to my hometown; spend the day w/my mom and have dinner with my mom, her husband, my gram, and my uncle.

Saturday:
--We celebrate Gram's birthday.
--Mom and I head to my house, do some shopping, and then go to a ladies tea.

Sunday:
--Usual madness...choir/church/Sunday School....in the morning
--Afternoon: J and I spend the entire afternoon fixing two massive pots of my own version of chili (aka the picky eaters version) and baking cookies for the fundraiser we were going to host. We then head to the church early to set up. Then church.
--Evening: After church, we coordinate the young people and the fundraiser. Then, after serving 60 servings of frito chili pie, clean up, etc, we head to Bro. R's house...where we stay until midnight, eating pizza and chatting.

Monday:
--I oversleep and fly around the house all morning trying to bake desserts for the picnic. We leave the house in chaos and head to the reservoir for a picnic. We stay for probably five hours...with about 90 other church people...eating, talking, playing volleyball/horsehoes, hiking
--Immediately after that, we head to Bro. R's house where we stay until midnight again, eating pizza and playing Quelf. Which, incidentally, is the best.game. ever.
--I then go home and spend two hours cleaning up from the baking frenzy and prepping for my classes the next morning.

When I used to attend a smaller church with few people my age, I used to long for times of fellowship. I think God more than answered that silent prayer.

So much, in fact, that I'm almost wishing things would slow down just a bit so I could at least get some sleep... ;) Ah well.

Life is good.

10 on Tuesday

2010-05-25T11:12:00.000-07:00

The-things-I-did-this-past-week version

1) Revised/worked on my thesis for three straight days before printing out 3 copies of all 61 pages of my completed draft. 'Tis beautiful. *tear*

2) (Incidentally, #1 is the reason why I was able to do anything else, as I can't revise until my very busy committee finishes critiquing all 61 pages.)

3) Cleaned my oven. Note: I do NOT have a self-cleaning oven. Also note: I had never done this before.

4) Scrubbed my fridge. (My OCD tendencies want me to do this bi-weekly...however, the thesis has made this more of a monthly/bimonthly thing. I'm not sure which one is more normal.)

5) Completely emptied out, scrubbed, and reorganized my pantry.

6) Did the above to all of my kitchen drawers and most of the cabinets.

7) Oh, yeah. And the bathroom drawer.

8) Convinced my husband to clean the carpets in the living room and office.

9) I think that's it. My house is slowly getting organized and sparkly.

10) =)

Conversation with my MIL

2010-05-24T15:46:00.000-07:00

MIL: Let's celebrate father's day and dad's b-day Wed afternoon when we are down. Will that work?

Me: Ack...not really. We are both in school/work in the morning and then we have to come home and pack and get ready for church that night before our red-eye to NY. I mean...we can squeeze it in, but we are going to be wild-eyed...

MIL: Ok. How about Tues afternoon? The guys can golf and we can go to supper.

Me: Eh...well...Jer has class Tues night. And he can't miss because he has to miss for New York and then camp the next week..and that's already too much for summer classes. Maybe an early supper?

MIL: No, that won't work. Okay. How about Saturday?

Me: Eh...we have graduation that morning and Spanish revival that night...

MIL: That's okay. We'll go to graduation...send the guys golfing...have an early supper...and then go to revival.

Me: *head spinning* *writing furiously in planner*

This entire summer is like that! I'm trying to remember Jer's school schedule, my teaching schedule, his random pre-hire 24 hour EMT runs, revival, graduations, weddings, showers, staff/sunday school meetings, mini trips...and that's not counting the stuff that comes up on a weekly basis.

It's going to be a fun summer...but yikes. I think I need a bigger planner.

Like a child...

2010-05-22T22:01:00.001-07:00

I'm not sure how long ago Sis. S received her diagnosis. I just know that, when I moved to my current town, she was in the throes of battling stage four cancer. She went through radiation and surgeries, but she drew the line at chemotherapy.

No, she said. I will trust God. And if it is His will for me to go home...so be it.

But we prayed. And we prayed.

After awhile, she began to grow weary. I can't say that I blame her. Having had a mere chronic illness, I understand to an extent how much sickness wears on you...I can't imagine the intensity of cancer...

The reports from the doctor were not good. Finally, she just conceded...God was just going to take her home. As people continued to tell her they were believing for her healing, she would just smile and say thanks...but she was ready to go.

And...the doctors reports were confirming this.

Several months ago, one of the little boys in our church really got a burden to pray for Sis. S. Every night before bed, he would pray with his mom for Sis. S. A couple months ago, he walked up to his mom and said, with utter confidence, "It's done, Mom. God is going to heal Sis. S. We don't have to pray any more. You tell her."

Not wanting to crush his faith, his mom did so. In response, Sis. S just smiled and said thanks....but she was ready to go home.

The treatments and such soon ended...the tests still showed that things were quite bad. Sis. S determined that she was going home and going to do what she could in the church until the end. Surprisingly, she found that she had the energy to get active again. She started teaching Sunday School again and began painting our church building.

A few weeks ago, she went in to her doctor to see how far the cancer had spread.

Instead of the expected images of a body invaded with cancer, the doctors found themselves at loss at a perfect scan.

There was no trace of cancer. None. The doctors just shook his head and told her, "Well, I guess you don't need to come back."

No, I guess she doesn't.

And there's one little boy who will never forget how God answered his prayer at the age of 6. If only we could all be so trusting in a God who WILL do what He says.

And because I often rant about the domestic side...

2010-05-22T16:12:00.000-07:00

...I thought I'd include a video my husband sneakily shot when I was indeed cooking dinner...including mashed potatoes from scratch. I may struggle with the whole domestic thing, but I do try...and we do not eat instant mashed potatoes. ;P

10 on Tuesday

2010-05-18T12:46:00.000-07:00

1) I have roughly 30 pages of my thesis revised and ready to roll. That's good, as I have to turn the entire document over to my committee TOMORROW. I alternate between beaming over how much I accomplished to muttering, "This is awful. They are going to TEAR IT UP."

2) Which they will. My beautiful baby will come back beat up and scarred, but hopefully that beating will prevent it from further abuse when I present it and send it to the University. Assuming that happens. Right now, I just feel like I will be writing FOREVER.

3) Last week, J and I went to Tulsa for a conference. WAY fun. I was able to leave all of my stress behind, and we spent three fantastic days letting the maid make our bed and pick up after us, participating in incredible church services, eating at very yummy places, and spending time with some of our favorite people.

4) We also got 90 mph winds and tornado sirens the first night....our exhaustion from the drive made us mercifully unaware.

5) The trip home included another tornado warning, very scary clouds, lots of hail, and some incredible lightening.

6) It took approximately one hour after our return home before all of my stress came back, but...hey.

7) We have a bridal shower this weekend. Fun stuff. =) We seem to be having a wedding every six months around here on the dot. ;) We were having babies pretty regularly, but that's kind of eased off. I imagine, with all the weddings popping up, they'll increase in a couple of years. ;)

8) Eh. It's going to have to be 8 on Tuesday, as I can not think of anything else...and the remaining 30 or so pages of my thesis beckon. BLEH.

If you want to see what we've been up to...

2010-05-16T14:12:00.000-07:00

...check out our blog.

My goal this summer is to get this completely up-to-date. I've been going back and entering pictures from all of our trips, with the appropriate dates, but it's a bit time consuming. =) So it's rather haphazard.

The saga of the top layer of the wedding cake

2010-05-10T06:56:00.000-07:00

Why Not Trust God Again?

2010-05-09T20:51:00.000-07:00

It was deja vu this week...

There was the ER visit. The evil adhesions returning...the scary facts concerning their effects on fertility...

...and then there was the nagging symptoms that had complicated the adhesions enough that my doctor had sent me to the ER...and that landed me in the doctor's office last week again.

However, all it took this time was a brief look at my medical record for the PA to nod knowingly and try to solve the problem with some of my old medications and then come back if it didn't go away. I timidly tried to broach that they look at another possible cause--something that my EMT husband was strongly feeling was wrong--and was quickly dismissed. It was most likely a return of the former illness and I should just take some pills...

While it was easily dismissable to him, I stumbled to the car, tears blurring my eyes. All I could remember was the 18 months of constant pain...illness...doctor visits....hospital visits...tests...

And I could not. I WOULD NOT do it again. I tossed the pills aside.

God healed me once. He could do it again

While my husband and mom supported me, the worry lines in their foreheads have only deepened. Something is wrong. That's all we know.

I half-jokingly told my mom today that I would like a break from all of this faith-building stuff. i have a LOT of faith from these past two years.

But really...that's what it comes down to. I may wake up well tomorrow. I may not. My husband's suspicions may be true, and I might get worse. And get very sick. The doctor's suspicions may be true, and I might feel this way for a long, long time. I can't say. All I can do...

...is trust God again...

One year ago today...

2010-05-09T07:10:00.000-07:00

...I said I do. We've had quite a year. =)

I'm speechless

2010-05-08T14:07:00.001-07:00

Since when did wearing the American flag become WRONG? *sputters*

http://www.foxnews.com/us/2010/05/07/california-principal-apologizes-forbidding-flag-shirts-mexican-holiday/

In which we are reminded just why I work...

2010-05-05T16:57:00.000-07:00

....have I mentioned how I am NOT a stay-at-home wife? Maybe? Just a few times, you say?

It is Wednesday. I have been home Monday. Tuesday. Wednesday. J has been gone all day and most of the night those three days, and I have spent them by myself. Cleaning...cooking...organizing..grocery shopping...errands...balancing checkbook...

I tried. I really did. I vowed that I would enjoy my time off. That I would NOT get cabin fever. That I would be happy and enjoy my domestic activities.

FAIL.

I have friends who just do this every day, all day and truly enjoy it. I wonder if somehow I got wired wrong.

It's not that I don't do these things when I'm working. Trust me...I do. And that's why I look so haggard (and grumpy). I do all of the cooking, most of the cleaning, all of the laundry, the bills, and the general organization of our life. And work full-time. And, up until recently, go to school full-time.

However, I get absolutely no pleasure out of the domestic side of things, other than the satisfaction that it's all done and I'm not twitching because my house is dusty. I feel guilty because many of the other women talk about how all they want to do is stay at home and take care of their husbands. At this point, I just sort of slip down in my seat and cringe. Maybe it's because my husband isn't as high maintenance as most? Maybe I'm wired wrong? Maybe because I really, really like my job?

I fully admit that my work full-time/go to school full-time/handle all domestic duties full time is a personal FAIL. I have a fantastic medical record to support this, as well as many eye-witnesses who have confided that, at times, they thought I was going to have a full breakdown.

However, clearly me staying home all the time isn't the answer either. Not until children, in which I hope I can handle it at least until they are all in school. I'm hoping that, with the completion of my thesis, I can just become uber organized and juggle work and home with ease.

We shall see, I suppose.

Busy, busy!

2010-05-04T13:10:00.000-07:00

Summer is here in full force and today, as I was running around town, I found myself wondering how on earth I got all this stuff done while I was in school and working. Then I remembered a)how very tired I was all the time and b) how a lot of stuff DIDN'T get done. Which is why I have to do it all now.

I've mainly been just going through all the basic stuff that comes with payday week (bills/laundry/grocery shopping), trying to beat whatever-is-wrong-with-me-this-time and juggling medical stuff (bah), and catching up with all the housework/errands that got neglected thanks to finals/graduation/sickness. Plus, we're getting ready for two trips, and I'm trying to stay on top of all the birthdays/Mother's day/baby showers/etc that seem to flood our calendar in the summer. It took two days to finish just my shopping.

It reminds me that, really, running a home is full-time job in and of itself. I honestly wish sometimes that I found it even half as fulfilling as my "real" job. As grateful as I am for the time to rest and try to get my health under control and my life calmed down, I can already feel the teensiest bit of antsiness starting.

Prayers

2010-05-02T21:55:00.000-07:00

God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them. ~Author Unknown

After six rather anxious hours in the ER, the doctor came in and rather brusquely announced that my pain and nausea had to be related to a surgical adhesions and that I would be released. As he left, I slumped into the pillow. Sure..the news was good. In a way. I would be able to walk in my M.A. ceremony the next day. There wouldn't be an emergency surgery.

My husband just sort of sighed, grasping my hand, relating to a friend, "The trouble is...the more this happens, the less likely we are to be able to have children."

Truth hurts...badly. It only takes a basic Google search to reveal the effects of adhesions and scarring on fertility. It's not pretty.

She grasped my hand tightly and said simply, "We'll pray."

Yes. We will.

But sometimes, you just don't have the words to say. Tonight, as our church was swept away by the presence of God, I cradled a friend's infant, quiet. I didn't know what to say or how to pray. Our lives are full right now...it's not time.

But...someday...soon...please...

And that's all I could muster as I looked into the sleeping infant's face.

Please...let me have one chance. That's all I ask.

And then I found this quote. And I rest in the fact that even when I am most inarticulate, God can hear the words of my heart.

And I have to trust that He will answer.

It's done!

2010-05-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

Sort of. Kind of. In a way. Pretty close. =) Walking down the "Pomp and Circumstance" for what may be the last time was rather bittersweet. Thanks to a 6 hour stint in the ER (long story) and a rather vicious reaction to morphine, I spent most of the ceremony battling a massive headache...and making fun of the speakers with a fellow grad.

(Just kidding. Sort of. We did have the.worst.commencement.address. This is my fourth graduation, so I feel rather qualified to vote on that. )

Oh. And evading the four beach balls that kept going up over the crowd and knocking the hats off of various students--mostly the subdued and rather annoyed grad students on the first few rows.

Other than the whole morphine headache thing, it was a good day. =) It gave me the sense of finality I needed and added a bit to the urgency that I get my thesis wrapped up SOON.

10 on Tuesday

2010-04-27T20:46:00.000-07:00

1) I graduate this weekend! I feel like I'm cheating a little since I haven't defended...but I am DONE with school, other than the endless revisions, so it's close enough.

2) Today, I found myself looking at another M.A. program. I.am.insane.

3) That said, no decisions for a year. Then, we will decide what we do. Our parents are rooting for a baby. Jer is starting to root for the doctorate. lol. We all know that I can't be satisfied with just a job for very long...

4) Next week--our anniversary! WOW. We're staying in the most awesome room at the B&B we honeymooned in. A few weeks ago, we stopped to say hi and look around. I started relaxing just walking in the place...*sigh*

5) Drowning in grading and finals today and tomorrow...should be free and clear by Friday!

6) Almost every single weekend in May and June is booked. And we're working on July now...this summer will fly by!

7) I am really, really tired of grading.

8) Mother's day has me so stumped this year. Last year, I lost all the cards I bought everyone since it was right after the wedding. Then I found them. So...cards are done.

9) J and I have been listening to Odyssey a lot lately. I do NOT like the new Whit.

10) Our weather is so crazy here. Today, I had to turn on the swamp cooler...and was dismayed, hours later, to notice that the heater was running merrily along with it. Lovely.

10 on Tuesday

2010-04-20T09:09:00.000-07:00

1) My students are all industriously typing right now, making me proud. I love when I give them time in class to work on projects and they actually take advantage of it.

2) This really is the BEST part of the semester. It's exhausting...everyone's tired...but, for the most part, you get to see how students have grown and learned this semester.

3) There's nothing quite as exhilarating as reading a student's paper that shows marked improvement. It gets me every time.

4) There's also nothing quite as crushing as realizing that, no matter how hard you tried, there will be a few who fall within the cracks. And, yes, that still gets me every time.

5) Once the above two things stop affecting me, I will stop teaching.

6) I clearly have a thing for italics today.

7) A friend and I are planning a weekend getaway to San Francisco this summer. Without our husbands. J didn't bat an eye when I told him. He rocks.

8) I am ridiculously excited about graduation. I don't want a big celebration--it'll just be J, my mom, and my gram and we'll all go out to eat afterwards--but I'm really looking forward to wearing the gown with the big sleeves and hearing "Pomp and Circumstance" one last time. I've worked hard for this chance. =)

9) Now that the semester is winding down, I'm experimenting in the kitchen more. Poor J. Some things are very successful. Some things are not. It's even funnier when I make stuff that I won't try. I made this awesome white chili that he loved, but it was so hot. Lol. Less cayenne pepper next time. ;)

10) I will absolutely be drowning in grading this weekend, but it's almost over! And then...I get a month off! Lovely.

The thesis...

2010-04-17T16:00:00.000-07:00

I love this comic. A few weeks ago, I was at the point. There for awhile, tears would just well up at the mention of it. Now, 50 pages later, I'm happy to report that I'm feeling much, much better...as long as I don't think about the defense. THAT makes me want to throw up. Nothing like having your entire M.A. depending on how well you can answer "rigorous" questions on the spot, something I am admittedly VERY BAD at.

While things are trucking along semi-well, it will, unfortunately, not be neatly packaged off to Fort Collins by May 4. However. My deadline is actually July 14. I did not know this and almost cried when I found out. I will be walking in the graduation ceremony in two weeks while the whole kit and kaboodle is hopefully being torn to shreds by my committee so I can reconstruct it by the end of May and hopefully defend.

At any rate, I have been promised that I can, indeed, enjoy at least part of my summer.

Out of my hands

2010-04-16T13:52:00.000-07:00

Image courtesy of Google Images

There you go changing my plans again
There you go shifting my sands again
For reasons I don't understand again
Lately I don't have a clue

Just when I start liking what I see
There you go changing my scenery
I never know where you're taking me
But I'm trying just to follow you

It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands

There you go healing these scars again
Showing me right where you are again
I'm helpless, and that's where I start again
I'm giving it all up to you

It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands

Move me, make me
Choose me, change me
Send me, shake me
Find me, remind me
The past is behind me
Take it all away
Take it all from me, I pray

It's out of my hands
It's out of my reach
It's over my head
And it's out of my league
There's too many things
That I don't understand
So it's into your will
And it's out of my hands
--Matthew West

Summer!

2010-04-15T19:40:00.000-07:00

Two weeks left!

Graduation, anniversary trips, Summit, thesis defense, New York, a wedding... :D Summer is going to ROCK this year. ;)

Ten on Tuesday

2010-03-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

1) In the past hour, I have copied and pasted 10 pages worth of garbly-gook that is supposed to be the framework of my thesis. I'm rather encouraged that the garbly-gook is already ten pages--meaning that the ultimate product will be around double that--but a little overwhelmed at transforming the garbly gook into a coherent document. I'm also afraid that it will get the frown of disapproval and I'll cry again.

2) Because, yes. After two days back at work, I'm THAT tired. Again.

3) I have so much grading to do. NEVER have all of your students turn in a final paper on the same day. I'm nuts.

4) Thankfully, the final papers have been staggered so that this doesn't happen. I'm still grading a zillion papers and --hopefully...pleasepleaseplease...--defending my thesis at the same time, but it should be a bit better. Maybe?

5) I feel SO bad. J will probably start working soon, so his free evenings will soon be nonexistent. So, what do I do when he's free? Huddle on the couch and type/grade. =( It will all be over soon, but then he'll be at work and I'll be home by myself with no one to talk to. =( *sigh* I simply can't avoid it, though, if I want to pull off the next five weeks.

6) Yes. We have five weeks left.

7) I did actually get my house clean on spring break. I feel much better about life now.

8) It's all rearranged, too--which is why it was a disaster and making me twitch.

9) I just realized we invited people for dinner on Easter without realizing it was Easter...and we're feeding them roast beef and homemade french fries. That's kinda weird. I'm a bit skeptical at the combo, but J likes to make french fries and that allows me to focus on other things.

10) I'd make a ham...but I'm still traumatized from last year.

7)

Randomness today

2010-03-27T19:33:00.000-07:00

Due to my evil health history, I've started leaning towards natural remedies. Thus, when J or I start to get sick, I promptly make both of us (because we tend to share colds) drink Emergen-C and take Vitamin D. If it gets any worse, I whip out the herbal tea.

Oddly enough, J won't ever tell me he's sick anymore...

Tonight, after watching him shiver and turn up the thermostat, I gave into my suspicions and suggested he drink some Emergen-C. I think you could hear his "NOOOOO" in the next town.

I'm about to mix some up, regardless. I think I will make a good mom. Yes.
*********

I made lemon crumb cake today because we were supposed to have my mom, a family of five from the church, and another little girl over for lunch. During that time, my mom and the family of five cancelled, and my husband told me that the little girl may not be allowed either, as she seems to be having qualms about cleaning her room. Anyway, so I have this huge lemon crumb cake. I had a piece and declared it to be bland and overall unappealing. Jer took that to be a challenge and my non-sweet-eating husband has been happily chowing down on it.

Blech.

I think I need to buy groceries.

2010-03-24T21:17:00.000-07:00

J: Don't we have ANYTHING to eat?

Me: Um...macaroni. Chicken strips. Sandwiches.

J: No, we can't have sandwiches because we're out of meat.

Me: Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

J: I've had four of those today.

Me: *stares*

Part of my efficiency with my thesis is that I schedule blocks of time to do things. I grocery shop every two weeks...and I don't have time to run to the store in between times now. Jeremy broke down and went last week.

I also do laundry every two weeks. Which means last week J had to wear a sweatshirt and his EMT pants while I did laundry because everything else is dirty.

*sigh* This WILL end. I know this.

10 on Tuesday

2010-03-22T23:06:00.000-07:00

1) I'm on spring break!

2) Tomorrow, I head to my hometown for two days for some much needed one-on-one time with my mother, grandmother, and dear friends.

3) My mom is cooking for me. I'm inordinantly pleased about that.

4) Overheard in a conversation yesterday: "Well, since my wife is writing her thesis, she doesn't cook any more..."

5) J finished his IV certification! He has applied for a job and is waiting impatiently for his certification number to be listed so he can finish his clinicals and move on to a job. =)

6) I'm getting so fat. Seriously. I'm almost embarrassed to catch up with friends tomorrow because I know my weight gain is going to be horribly noticeable.

7) It doesn't help that all the darling new styles resemble maternity clothes.

8) I feel like wearing a sign that says, "NO. I'm not pregnant."

9) Hopefully, I can still say that next month, thanks to the pharmacy running out of my birth control. Apparently, it is rare and no one else in town seems to carry it. Why, yes, I AM switching pharmacies, thankyouverymuch.

10) I actually ordered some prints of our wedding pictures. In a few days, we'll actually have pictures in most of the empty frames hanging on our walls. Our familiy and friends will be quite relieved, as that has seemed to really annoy them.

This thesis.

2010-03-15T15:31:00.000-07:00

It is EVIL.

It makes me cry....in my advisors office, in conversations with random people, and at the end of the day to my very confused husband.

It insists on taking all of my spare time...what little I have...forcing me to take rain checks for any and all pleasurable outings such as shopping with my mom or exploring ghost towns with my husband. Even if I do rebel, I spend those times wallowing in guilt over neglecting it.

It puts me on a major guilt trip every time I prioritize and opt out of one of our many, many extracurricular activities at church...even when I remind myself that it's really not humanly possible to be involved in every. single. activity that our thriving church has.

It makes me really, really tired.

It also makes me really, really crabby...particularly when people call it a "paper."

It takes over any and all conversations I might have.

It makes me leave dishes in the sink...which I hate. And leave my house in a state where I forbid all visitors.

It makes me want to eat chocolate and ice cream to console myself, which means that my diet is essentially non-existent. And my clothes are tight.

Yes. I am convinced. It is pure evil. And if I don't finish it by May 4, I will plunge into the depths of despair....because I simply cannot exist like this much longer.

Ten on Tuesday

2010-03-09T12:09:00.000-08:00

1) Happy 10-month anniversary to us!

2) My heart is broken for Layla Grace's family today. I cannot fathom their grief.

3) I really want to know why we don't do the simple urine test for neuroblastoma at birth. It would give these babies a head start at fighting this monster.

4) I'm getting ready to submit the first draft of one of the parts of my thesis. It sucks. But it's there. It's something to work with.

5) I finally saw Mary Poppins (the musical) this weekend! It was on my tentative "life list" that I started back in 2008. It was very well done. Even J liked it, and he was rather dubious about the whole thing.

6) Incidentally, I've crossed off 5 things from that life list in 2 years. Not bad. I need to finish it. I could only think of 48 things at the time.

7) We actually took off for the weekend to the city. We stayed at this darling boutique hotel. I had never even heard of a boutique hotel, much less stayed in one, but now I'm hooked. =) It was in this said hotel that I typed up 5 pages of my thesis. In an hour. I think I should do that more often.

8) It was a lovely little break. =)

9) I've done some serious shopping lately. J has been insistent that I stop hoarding some $ that I have and spend it on myself, so I finally gave in and did so. My summer wardrobe is looking quite a bit better. ;) It's been nice splurging.

10) I found out yesterday that they are putting me on the piano/organ at church in May or June. Scary! At least it will be after this thesis is over, and I can devote more time to practice. And they will start me off on youth services and with lead sheets in advance. But still. It's quite nerve wracking.

Ten on Tuesday

2010-03-02T13:34:00.000-08:00

1) I'm typing this on a thesis break.

2) I'm in full-fledged thesis PANIC. It's going to take divine intervention to get this done on time. Pray, pray, pray for me!

3)I ordered my graduation gown today! That's $70 I'm investing to make sure I get this done on time.

4)You can't tell that my thesis dominates my thoughts/conversations, right? I don't know what I'm going to talk about when this is done.

5) I'm drowning in grading on top of it. It's NUTS. I'm hoping to get a ton done this week so I can enjoy Saturday. We're off to Denver for dinner at the Cheesecake Factory and Mary Poppins and I'm going to TRY and relax. Right now, I'm consistently tense. I have to take a bath before I go to sleep so I CAN go to sleep.

6) So, I had a student come to a conference a couple weeks ago with the FLU. I was not happy. I was considerably even more unhappy the next week when both Jeremy and I got it. I had about 1 day of respite before I got this weird funky cold that will NOT go away. I'm starting to fear it's turning into bronchitis and will eventually have to break down and go to the doctor if I can't kick it. ARGH.

7) J starts school tonight! It's his last three week class before he can start working as an EMT. :) Yay! I think. I'm praying hard that he gets a good job with decent hours. I will be SO sad if he has to work nights.

8) I had a student yesterday refer to Theodore Roosevelt as a Founding Father...oy...

9) It looks like I'm only teaching one class this summer. I can't decide if I'm happy or sad. I could've taught more, but I wouldn't have been able to go to PEAK in July or take any other little vacations. New York would have used up all of my acceptable absences. So, I decided I didn't really want to be chained to my job all summer. It kind of stinks when you can only miss one day. So, I'll teach one class twice a week and have plenty of glorious time to read, travel...whatever! Hopefully, it will be just the right balance.

10) I'm getting ready to book our reservations for our one-year anniversary! We were going to take a cruise, but we decided we wanted to do New York and PEAK instead. We'll do a cruise next year. Now, we're just going to go out of town and stay in one of our honeymoon B&B's. We're staying in the coolest room...love that! I love hotels and B&Bs. So fun. =)

After almost one year of marriage...

2010-02-24T22:25:00.000-08:00

...I must confess that I am STILL thoroughly perplexed by the overall view of married women vs. single women.

I can't wrap my mind around defining a woman by her marital status. I've been single, and now I'm married. But I'm still K. I have a lot more responsibilities now...but I'm still K. When I said "I do," I wasn't suddenly endowed with a special dose of wisdom, knowledge, and maturity. Nope. I was still the same as the single K who had walked down the aisle a few minutes before.

But that's not how people treat me.

Now that I'm married, I'm expected to hang out with couples. While my husband goes off with the men, I'm supposed to bond with their spouses...regardless of whether or not we mesh personality wise; the mere fact that we are wives is supposed to bind us together.

Now that I'm married, my responsibilities have tripled. I find it fascinating--and annoying--that the responsibilities have absolutely nothing to do with my maturity, age, or ability; they have to do with my marital status. In fact, despite the fact that I'm older than most of the young married women, I'm still considered to be younger and naive. However, I'm considered older and more mature than the single girls. Because I'm married.

If you're single, you're expected to go with the young people...no matter how old you are. If you are married, you're expected to go with the couples...no matter how young you are.

Now that I'm married, people don't look at me as K. They look at me as J's wife. They forget that there's another individual under there with different likes, dislikes, and opinions. I find, much to my dismay, that I'm supposed to only be interested in wifey things.

I've tried. Really, I have. But I find that I really don't like wifey me. She's boring. She spends all her time looking at recipes, washing dishes, and reading books that send her into a spiral of depression about how bad of a wife she is.

I think that maybe there's a happy medium out there. What if we started viewing people as PEOPLE, regardless of their marital status?

Everyone has something to offer. Marital status has little to do with it. I look at one of my good friends who is a mere six months younger than me, but who is regarded as young and immature because she is single. And I look at the drastic change in the way I have been viewed over the past year.

It's ridiculous. It's absurd. She has something to offer, even if she hasn't been married. And I have something to offer besides being a wife.

Our worth as individuals has nothing to do with our marital status.

And that is all I'm saying. For now. =)

10 on Tuesday

2010-02-16T09:08:00.000-08:00

1) I have an upcoming "Terrible/horrible/no-good very bad day" post coming up about the fateful day that I decided to auction off a menu for our youth's V-day banquet.

NEVER again.

2) Incidentally, our youth group is going to NEW YORK in June. I'm currently coaxing my husband that he can plead prior engagement in job interviews because seriously...we need to go!

3) I've fallen off the weight loss wagon. Badly.

4) I meant to get back on it last week, but our V-day fondue dinner pretty much destroyed it. Ever had white chocolate caramel toffee fondue? TO DIE FOR. I will dream of it.

5) The doctor says I have "profound" hypothyroidism symptoms...which could be why it is difficult for me to get out of bed every morning. Currently, I consider showing up at every vital place a full accomplishment.

6) My doctor also had compassion on my most miserable self by giving me two months of samples of my outrageously expensive allergy meds in hopes that we'll have health insurance in two months. It's the only thing that works, and a year off of it equals=unhappy Kari.

7) Actually, it equals unhappy J, too, as he took it upon himself to by a humidifier the other day, as no allergy meds = snoring K.

8) Between the humidifier, allergy meds, and hypothyroidism meds, I should be a happy camper in about a month.

9) I'm utterly relieved my first formal conference is over. I now have a nifty addition to my resume and one less thing to worry about. I have another one in March, and then I can focus fully on my thesis.

10) Maybe I should turn this into 9 on Tuesday since I can never think of 10.

Dragons

2010-02-14T21:08:00.000-08:00

"Fairy tales are more than true. Not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."
— G.K. Chesterton

I used to not believe in dragons....

...but lately, I'm getting more convinced. These are not fire-breathing dragons we read about in age-old classics....who can forget about Eustace turning into a dragon?....but the personal dragons that rise up in our lives. These dragons are as equally menacing as those the heroes bravely defy in our stories.

They wall us in....and guard areas of our lives from entry. They haunt us...and, at our slightest move of bravery, they emit fire that frightens us back from whence we ame.

But just like the fairy tale dragons, they are blocking us in this journey. As long as we allow them to block our way, we will never move forward. We'll be forever trapped by the firebreathing dragon.

Sometimes, help comes along for these heroes who defeat their dragons. Many times, though, it's a personal battle. YOU have to fight the dragon. YOU have to muster the courage to confront it and see it through the fiery battle. Even if it hurts. Even if it scars.

I have some dragons I need to tackle.

How about you?

Never again...

2010-02-12T17:33:00.000-08:00

This morning, I got up at 2:30 a.m....picked up a colleague at 3:30 a.m....and drove 5 hours to Albuquerque. I got there 15 minutes before the panel started, survived my presentation, had lunch with colleagues...and drove 5 hours back. Got home in time to sit down for an hour and try to switch gears...and now I'm off to church.

I have a cool addition to my resume...but....

THAT was crazy.

My week in quotations

2010-02-10T14:42:00.000-08:00

Me: I have a penchant for buying super cute...VERY uncomfortable....high heels. So, you'll often see me in church without my shoes on.
Colleague: *furrowed brow* So your church takes off their shoes, too?
Me: Eh...no. It's not like your aunt's church. We do not do it to feel closer to God. I do it because my feet hurt.
Other colleague: Well, some people would say you should keep them on so the pain reminds you of Jesus.
Me: *stares*

*******************************

Doctor: (after finding out that I haven't taken my thyroid meds for a year...) Just so you know, you could DIE from your thyroid not working.
Me: Eh....So, um...about that prescription...

*******************************

Student: The essay was about a MOVIE? OHHHH...
Me: Um...yes. I take it you didn't read it?
Student: No.
Me: Why?
Student: Because I'm irresponsible and lazy.
Me: *muffled laughter* Um...I guess I don't need to say anything after that...

****************************************

10 on Tuesday

2010-02-09T06:53:00.000-08:00

1) I REALLY wanted a snow day today. I'm exhausted and could use a day to curl up at home and get some stuff done. *sigh*

2) We've decided to try and buy a house....we're looking for a fixer upper. My only condition is that it must be livable and that J must not expect me to do anything regarding "fixing" until my thesis is safely off to the publishers.

3) Which, incidentally, probably won't be until Augustish. *sigh*

4)Have I mentioned how tired I am? I'm getting plenty of sleep, but I'm paying the pipe for stopping my thyroid meds last year. All I want to do is sleep. =( Dr. appointment =tomorrow.

5) I have to present a very small portion of my thesis at a conference in Albuquerque this Friday. Since things are so crazy and a bit stretched financially, one colleague and I are making it a day trip. We have to leave here at 3:30 a.m. I am not thrilled.

6) I just found out that my paternal grandfather's last name is Jewish. Ashekenazi Jewish to be precise. How in the world could I be Jewish on both sides of my family and not find out until I'm in my 20s? I found out my maternal roots a couple years ago...and then yesterday about my paternal roots.

7) I <3 my crockpot. There's nothing better than coming home after a hectic day and having dinner DONE. I'm constantly looking for new recipes; unfortunately, most crockpot recipes I've found are a bit weird.

8) We're celebrating V-day early Thursday night by eating at a nice fondue restaurant we discovered on our honeymoon. I'm stoked. =)

9) My birthday present? Tickets to see Mary Poppins in March. :D

10) I'm always at a loss for the 10th one!

Why I'm thankful for the Superbowl

2010-02-07T22:52:00.000-08:00

I must confess that I hate the Superbowl.

It makes me crazy.

I don't have anything against football itself. I think it's a great bonding experience for those who want to play. My husband isn't into sports at all, but I would understand if he wanted to go toss the pigskin around with the guys or even watch with interest the changing scores in the newspaper. I get hobbies. Really.

But dying one's hair multiple colors, painting one's face in bizarre scenes, filling rooms with paraphernilia, spending thousands of dollars on tickets, and devoting hours of times of screaming at a screen full of guys in tight pants and big should pads wrestling each other for a piece of pigskin...not so much.

I mean...really?

I'm baffled. I mean, I have my share of shallow hobbies. I like to read People magazine, and I have a rather nice collection of shoes. I've been known to devote enough time to Typing Maniac on Facebook to get to level 25 twice in a row. However, I'm not about to let those define me.

I find it to be a rather sad reflection of our culture that most citizens find the aforementioned frenzy acceptable...but find my dedication to my faith to be a puzzlement. They wouldn't think twice of dying their hair to support their team...but to let their hair grow as a statement of faith? Preposterous.

I mean...really?

I find, though, that I'm growing rather thankful for the Superbowl. It's a piercing reminder for me to look at myself and my reflection of my faith. I've been irritated to no end over the past week by various Colts/Saints fans making a clear statement about their team. Everything you hear is about their team and why it's the best. They are investing time, energy, and much effort into this one silly game for a team that couldn't care less about them.

And I wonder...if they can do that for a GAME...for a group of people who hasn't done a THING for them....what disservice am I doing by keeping my mouth shut? Do I "shout from the rooftops" about what my Jesus has done for me? Does my dress reflect what I believe? Does my conversation reveal "what team I'm on?"

So, as much as I grit my teeth at the obnoxious Facebook postings about GEAUX SAINTS or HOW ABOUT THEM COLTS?, I have to be thankful. They challenge me to be better...to sing forth the praises of my Jesus loud and clear....

2010-02-03T14:39:00.000-08:00

"You'll never achieve your dreams if they don't become goals."Anonymous

Me: "And, either this fall or in the spring, I'm going to start taking Spanish classes!"
My grandmother: *silence* WHY?

I'm not sure if it's due to the fact that I just turned 24, my looming graduation, or just the natural introspection accompanying a new year, but I seem more determined than ever to start checking things off my rather length "to-do-in-my-lifetime" list.

I've always thrived on learning, so it doesn't seem too unusual to me, but everyone seems to be baffled by it. I can't seem to make them understand that, despite the absence of a large tuition bill (TYJ!), I don't plan on ceasing to learn. Ever. I have a nice list of things I've put on hold the past few years as I've merrily pursued my degrees. There are things I want to learn, places I want to visit, and experiences I want to have. I'm learning that one has to actively pursue one's dreams if they are to happen, so I'm rather methodically attacking them.

And, I must admit, I'm enjoying it.

After half-heartedly pursuing playing the piano for some time--and taking a full year break--I'm back playing...this time with determination. My piano teacher just shook her head when I signed up for lessons. Granted, it's a bit absurd to commit to this WHILE writing a thesis, but, when the opportunity arose, I seized it.

I'm going to learn Spanish, too. And sew. And many, many other things that aren't necessarily contained within the walls of a classroom or related to my degree. There are mission trips to go on, a house to buy, an adoption account to start, and many, many books to read...

If we put everything off to the future and don't start specifically working towards our goals, they will never, ever happen.

9 lbs!

2010-01-30T09:25:00.000-08:00

I haven't been counting points...I haven't been exercising...

But whatever I'm doing appears to be working. =) I know I'll plateau soon and have to kick it into gear, but I'm thankful what I'm doing now is working. It's definitely motivating.

What's helping me thus far--

*When we go out after church, I order a drink. That's it. I'm not usually hungry anyway, and just because everyone else is eating doesn't mean I need to. Just extra calories. The drink makes me feel like I'm not deprived. =)

*When we go through a fast food place, I either order a kids meal or one menu item. No more full size value meals. I never can eat them all anyway, and it just prompts overeating.

*Skinny cow ice cream sandwiches. They satisfy the sweet tooth craving every time, and, for 150 calories, they're not bad AT ALL.

*I have at least one meal where I completely splurge. It's a reward of sorts, and I usually am very motivated to get back on track afterwards. =)

I'm actually really surprised I'm dropping it this fast. I know it's not super fast...but, for me, it is. I keep thinking it's some sort of trick and I'll get on the scale next week and see it all come back...but it keeps going down. Yay!

30 lbs to go! (Eeep....)

Exercise FAIL

2010-01-28T15:00:00.000-08:00

J and I did really well exercising the first week.

But I'm swiftly learning that, despite great hopes, thesis + four comp classes + innumerable church activities + snow = exercise fail. As much as I enjoy the energy boost, most mornings I have been choosing sleep over exercise.

I'm determined to fit it in somehow, so we'll see how it goes.

On the bright side, we've both lost approximately 3% of our body weight in 2.5 weeks, J's acid reflux has almost completely disappeared, and my body has finally adjusted (thanks to WW) to a semi-healthy eating lifestyle. We still splurge. I still haven't given up my beloved Dr. Pepper. We still eat what we want, but we're learning to make healthy decisions most of the time in order to balance out the 10% of not-so-healthy decisions. :) Now that the weight is adding up a little bit, I'm getting more excited. I have a long ways to go (My goal is to lose 39 lbs this year), but I'm feeling better about the whole thing. =)

Healthy ranch substitute

2010-01-21T21:22:00.000-08:00

J LOVES ranch dressing. He eats it on everything. However, have you ever checked out the nutritional values on that stuff? Yeah. He loves it, so he's just been trying to watch his amounts.

The other day, I found a recipe for a much healthier substitute--16 cal per 2 tbsp as opposed to 140 cal per 2 tbsp. While it doesn't taste exactly like it, it's pretty close, and he was willing to go for it.

All you do is mix a packet of ranch dressing mix (preferably fat free) with 16 oz of plain yogurt. Let it sit for an hour and...voila!

Oven-Fried Chicken

2010-01-21T11:05:00.000-08:00

I tried this for dinner a couple nights ago, and we were both pleased with it. J said it "almost" tasted like real fried chicken. =) I found it on a message board online; not sure of the source. I will have to remember to start taking pictures of the recipes I try...I need to find my camera...hmm...

Oven fried chicken
(5 WW points)

Ingredients:

1 1/2 c. instant mashed potato flakes
1 tsp. seasoned salt
1/2 tsp. paprika (I left this out)
1/4 tsp. garlic salt
1/4 tsp. pepper (I just put a pinch)
1/4 c. I can't believe it's not butter, melted
1 tbsp. water
1 egg white
4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts

Directions:

Preheat oven to 400. IN a large bowl, combine potato flakes, seasoned salt, paprika, garlic powder, and peper. Add butter and mix well. In medium bowl, beat water w/egg white. Dip chicken pieces in egg mixture and coat all sides w/potato flake mixture. Place chicken in ungreased 13x9 pan. Bake for 55-60 minutes or until juices run clear.

A bit of a change of focus....

2010-01-21T07:36:00.000-08:00

A couple weeks ago, J and I decided to start working on some lifestyle changes in order to improve our overall health. Initially, we switched to a radically "clean" diet with a strenous exercise plan, but we quickly learned that my body would NOT tolerate the radical shift. I am still quite weak from the years of illness, and it will take a while before I have the stamina needed for extensive exercise. My digestive system is also very funky and will not allow for rapid diet changes of any kind--even healthy ones. So....we modified it a tad. I've switched to WW, we're shooting for about 30 min of exercise a week, and we're making overall lifestyle changes to eat much healthier. It's not perfect--let's not talk about our late Sonic run last night--but it's slowly moving towards our goal. We definitely want to see weight loss, but we REALLY want to see ourselves healthier.

So far, we have made several significant changes:

*Whole grain vs. white

--We've always eaten whole wheat bread, but I'm working to reduce our bleached flour intake even more. I've replaced our regular tortillas and English muffins with whole grain, and I just bought some whole grain flour and whole grain pasta to experiment with.

*Water!

--J is doing much better with this. I've stopped making cold tea, and we've stopped buying pop. I can't seem to quit cold turkey, but J is pretty much avoiding completely except when we go out. I still manage to weasel one a day, and, so far, my WW points are enough to allow it.

*More fruits/veggies
--Due to the funky digestive system, I have to watch my fruit/veggie intakes, but we're both consuming quite a bit more. I'm shooting for about 3 servings a day; J is closer to 5. It will be better in the summer when we have access to more fresh produce, but we're doing fine with the apples/oranges/pineapple readily available now.

*Less JUNK.
--We make our junk food a treat now. I just won't buy pop/cookies/chips, etc. We're also sticking to mainly clean foods...trying to avoid a lot of processed stuff.

I'm working on developing a repertoire of healthy recipes, so I think I'm going to start posting some recipes and meal plans. Eating the same food week after week is boring and tempts us to eat things that are "bad." So, I'll share my journey...

10 on Tuesday

2010-01-19T16:58:00.000-08:00

1) I'm trying to figure out what to do with this blog. Make it a "real" blog where I blog a lot? Maybe one where I blog about cooking and healthy eating--two of my newer ventures of the year? I prefer to keep my personal stuff to a minimum since it's open...that's what Facebook is for.

2) I haven't done anything on my thesis in weeks. I have a meeting in two days. My prof is going to kill me if I don't get some major work done STAT.

3) School started last week. It took me a full week, but I finally feel like I'm in the swing of things again. Faces are starting to become familiar; I'm remembering names...

4) Our church is doing a Facebook/texting fast for a week. It's rather astonishing how much you depend on technology when you don't have it.

5) We went to a wedding on Saturday of two friends; they have such an amazing story...beautiful wedding. =)

6) We had another engagement on Sunday. =P Cupid currently resides in our church...two weddings last year...two this year so far...

7) I love my schedule this semester; I'm teaching in blocks. It's exhausting to teach three back-to-back, but it frees up so much of my schedule.

8) J has finished his EMT-B stuff and is nationally certified; we're waiting on state certification and IV-certification before he can get hired. BUT. He found another job he might apply for. We're praying for God's will...it's been a long year....

9) I'm in full swing in piano lessons. =) I'm working hard to get the discipline to practice (never a strong point...and also why I never went very far with it). I'm very happy to be taking some time to purse a hobby for me. =) I spent way too much time cleaning and working last semester.

10) Nothing else comes to mind. Off to do dishes, laundry, and an abstract.

The word for 2010

2009-12-28T23:10:00.000-08:00

I've gotten into the habit of following Ali Edward's example of choosing a focus word every year.

http://aliedwards.typepad.com/_a_/2009/12/one-little-word-2010.html#comments

Last year was BALANCE.

I wasn't overly successful...but it was what it was.

This year...

It is CHANGE.

As soon as J and I get home, we will begin eating clean and starting an exercise regime. We aren't getting any younger, and my health problems have caused me to take a long, hard look at the way we eat. It's horrible. I've also put on quite a bit of weight since my marriage. It's coming OFF.

There are some areas in my life that God has been working with me to change...and I've been stubbornly resisting.

And it's time.

The time is NOW. Time for CHANGE.

This past week

2009-12-11T21:52:00.000-08:00

Saturday: All day trip to hometown where my mom, Gram, and I made 4 batches of fudge, a double batch of peppernuts, innumerable dipped pretzels, a batch of oatmeal scotchies, and a batch of candy bar cookies. That was our x-mas time with them since we'll be gone over Christmas.

Sunday: SNOW! We started our new month in Sunday School (we rotate), had our own private Christmas celebration at Texas Roadhouse (we'll be with his parents on the actual day) , and had church. And I graded 15 or so papers.

Monday: I graded all day until 1:00...when I gave my first final. And graded some more. I was starting to get sick, so I ran home, grabbed a quick nap, and headed to my piano lesson. After dinner and an hour long conversation with the Best Buy dude, I curled up until 1 a.m., frantically writing my research paper.

Tuesday: A mere 5 hours or so after I went to sleep, I was back up to head to the dentist to find out why my mouth had been hurting for two weeks straight. The verdict? A cracked filling and a piece of filling lodged in my gum. OUCH. Off to the office for more grading...and then to another campus to administer another final. Except...I left the lights on in the jeep. And killed the battery. So I had to make a frantic phone call to find someone who could give me a ride in the middle of the day, and then we had to go back after class to jump it. Oy. Then, it was off to the house to do another 6 hour typing session, where I finally completed the paper 30 minutes before the deadline. I then proceeded to stay up and grade until 1 a.m.

Wednesday: 5 hours later....I was up to administer a final @ 8 a.m. I then spent the rest of the day grading portfolios and 8-10 pg. research papers. Next up? Church. I was so tired that I tried to go to sleep at midnight, but J wasn't home. I tossed and turned until he got home from his graphics session (3 a.m.).

Thursday: 3 hours later...I was up to administer another @ 8 a.m. After that final, I graded all day until it was time for my last final at the other campus. After that final, I ran to the store, went home and changed, and we headed to the party. I think we finally went to sleep about 1:30

Friday: I don't know what time I got up, but I blearily stumbled out of bed to head to the office to do yet more grading and was on campus by 8:30 a.m. I graded all morning until I was finally done with all of my university grading. I ran home, prepped supper, went back to campus, turned in portfolios, headed to a meeting, came home for supper, headed to church (J preached!), and am currently home staring.

I think I have earned my right to turn OFF my cell phone and sleep in until my heart desires tomorrow. There's still much to be done (my portfolio needs finished, my house is a mess, cookies have to made for Sunday School, we have a potluck tomorrow night, I have to buy a birthday present, I have to grade another set of finals and submit the grades)...but, at this point, SLEEP is a necessity.

What a grueling semester.

To do:

2009-12-03T18:16:00.000-08:00

--12 pg. literary theory paper. By Tuesday.

--Tweaking of presentation--that happens to contain the argument of my thesis--that will be presented in front of my boss(es), colleagues, and whoever else decides to randomly show up. By Tuesday.

--Grading of the following:
*15 or so Definition papers (Tuesday)
*10 grammar finals (Tuesday)
*15 grammar quizzes (Monday)
*20-something 8-10 pg. research papers (Thursday)
*20-something analysis papers (Wednesday)
*15 argument papers (Monday)
*70ish portfolios (Monday/Wednesday/Friday)
*90 finals (week from Monday)

--Compilation of teacher portfolio...which includes sorting through all 70 portfolios and making appropriate copies...and much, much more.

--Calculations of grades for 90 students (week from Monday).

In between all of that, we have to take a jaunt down to hometown for a day with my family to celebrate Christmas #1, attend our youth Christmas party (that we are helping organize), and go to my Scottish reunion.

What's fun is that my husband is in a similar state...he is currently studying for National Registry (next week!), helping out at our church building, designing the graphics for the new MOJ release (they are TIGHT), prepping for the next few weeks of Sunday School, and getting ready to preach at our church for the first time.

We are both a little wild-eyed. Two weeks until vacation!

Thankfulness...

2009-11-24T21:07:00.000-08:00

This year's Thankgsiving isn't going to be quite what I had intended.

J's parents are in Salt Lake City, en route to Cali, where we will meet up with them in December. His brother is celebrating elsewhere.

Initially, my side of the family was going to have big get together. But then my cousin found out he was shipping out to Hawaii the day after Thanksgiving...so it was a no go. So, we decided to have an early Thankgsiving. Then, neither uncle could get off of work.

So, we moved on to Plan B: Thankgsiving at my mom's. It would be small, but fun.

Then, my grandpa died. Yesterday. Today, my mom and uncles are in route to Cali to settle his estate. I was unable to go--which has frustrated me beyond articulation.

It's been a rough day. I haven't felt overly thankful as I struggle with the grief over the circumstances surrounding his death, with the frustration of being left behind, with the damper that threatens to crush the plans I had for this week.

I lugged home the turkey and the festive napkins my mom bought, but the idea of three people sharing Thanksgiving didn't seem so appealing to me. So, when our pastor's wife invited us over, I agreed.

So, it'll be a different type of Thankgsiving. I will my my mom fiercely, but we will still smile. I will make rolls and pie, and we will eat an astonishing amount of food. There will be different faces around the table, but, really...it is just a reminder of the many, many things I have to be grateful for....

So blessed.

Count your blessings this Thanksgiving. We have so much to be grateful for.

Two years ago today...

2009-11-22T22:24:00.000-08:00

....I was wheeled into the operating room. And two years ago today, God performed a miracle.

The following is a non-fiction piece I wrote this summer that will be published in an anthology soon.

Most of the time people don’t remember coming out of anesthesia. They tell me that you really come to in the operating room, but you don’t consciously remember anything until recovery. Even then, the memories are sketchy. Most of the time.

The last time I had surgery, I remember emerging from the fog of anesthesia, squinting through the haze, struggling to orient myself. With a sense of panic, I fought to emit the words that resisted my wooden tongue, wrestling with the dryness stifling the words, desperate…

“Did they…Were they able to…?”
The words came out hoarse, thick, clumsy. But the nurse came. She knew.
“ No.”
“What?” Grief tinged my voice. “No? Are you sure? They took both?” The desperation was clear as I reached for an alternative, grasping. It simply couldn’t be. No. But the answer was clear.
“Yes. They took both.”

Pushing away the ice chips, I sank back into the pillow, exhausted. Rather than fighting the fog, I welcomed it. I covered my face, wishing for the complete numbness to come and envelop me.

I would never hold a child of my own. I was only 21. The sentence was crushing.

It had only been two weeks earlier when I had entered yet another doctor’s office. A chronic illness had begun to inch its way through my body, baffling doctors and slowly eating away at my health. After four months of medications, E.R. visits, and countless tests, I had succumbed to my mother’s pleas to visit another doctor to rule out some other possible health issues. I endured the test like many others, but, this time, it was different.

After I dressed, the technician left me alone for a long time. When she came back, her smile was forced. “We’re going to take you to see the doctor…right now, okay?” Four months of being immersed in medical terminology clued me in immediately. Something was wrong.

I sat there in the cold examining room for an eternity. The nurse took my blood pressure, raising her eyebrows at the elevated number. Patting my shoulder, she questioned, “Are you okay?” I nodded numbly. But I wasn’t. I knew something was wrong. And I wasn’t sure I wanted to find out what it was.

Finally, the doctor bustled in. He was calm and clinical. I knew he saw a case…not the form huddled on the table. I listened as he rattled off medical terms, grasping for familiar words.

Cysts. Okay. I could deal with cysts.
Surgery. Well…okay.
Wait…Did you just say…?
“Excuse me…..” I stammered. “You can’t possibly mean that you might take both ovaries?” “Well, we certainly would try to avoid that, but…”

I remember nothing else he said. I stumbled out to the parking lot, fumbled with my phone, and called my mother. My voice cracked as I relayed the news. We were silent. Nothing had prepared us for this.

Over the next two weeks, I would process the information and recite it duly for people. I had two tumors, also known as durmoid cysts. Filled with foreign substances created from my embryonic cells, they had rested dormant since my conception, slowly growing, slowly overtaking. They had to be removed immediately. And there were no guarantees. None at all.

I spent days trying to prepare myself for the worst. But I could not. I would not. Surely, God would not allow me to become barren at 21.

As I lay there in the hospital bed, my nightmare had become my reality. Eventually, the nurses came to take me to my room. I refused to show my face. “Are you okay?” Silence. A barely perceptible nod. “Just upset?” Another nod. “Okay.” Sympathy cloaked her voice. What do you say to a 21 year old who would never be a mother? Nothing. She gave me her gift of silence.

The silence was broken as my family greeted me. My mother rushed to my bed, touching my foot. “Aren’t you glad?”

“GLAD?” I rolled over in disbelief, my words infused with grief and anger. “They TOOK THEM BOTH. How can I be GLAD about that?”

Horror, then confusion, set in. “No. Oh no. That’s not right…”Commotion settled in as she reacted to the news and ran out the door, grabbing a nurse and demanding the surgeon be paged. Shortly after, the recovery nurse came in with an apology. It was all a mistake. A paperwork error.

While two tumors and an ovary were in route to the laboratory, one was still nestled securely inside. The surgeon later warned me that its position was…is…precarious. I would have to spend my remaining childbearing years constantly watching, guarding, protecting, knowing it could be snatched away at any moment.

It’s been a year and half since those fifteen minutes. Sometimes I forget…but not for very long. As I cradle a friend’s little one, breathing in the baby scent, or listen to the frequent teasing as to when we will start our family, I remember. A slight pang always resounds through me, and I silently plead for my body to give me the gift of time.

But somehow, even though biological parenthood is uncertain, I have the peace that was elusive then. Somehow, those fifteen minutes of horror and the resulting surge of relief erased my worries of the future. I have a peace that I will be a mother to a child that was meant to be—biologically or not.

I do not know what path my husband and I will travel before parenthood. It may take us to another continent before I cradle our child in my arms. Our children may mirror our features…or carry the expressions of another.

Regardless, I will be a mother. And I will treasure it, never forgetting those fifteen minutes when I thought I would never be.

My thankfulness post for the day

2009-11-20T22:06:00.000-08:00

While I clearly did not pull of the thankful-post-every-day, I'm still trying to post a few things here and there. =)

Today, I'm thankful for THIS post.

I'm thankful for what God revealed to me that day--that there are seasons...and that they DO change. I was in a very chaotic and troublesome season at the time. It was painful...but it didn't last forever.

That time was necessary. It was needed. It had to happen for the next season to occur; God used that time to move me into another place where He could continue to work in my life. During that time, I learned so much about faith...and trust...and hope.

I learned that sometimes the storms rage...and Jesus doesn't always stop them. Sometimes, He lets them rage until you've learned what you need to learn, and then, when you think you can't take the barrage one more moment, He steps on the scene and banishes the storm with a simple phrase, "Peace be still."

And the peace that follows means more than the peace before the storm...because now you know that He can and He will...and the next storm isn't quite as scary.

I am so thankful...for the storm...and for the peace.

When you thought they weren't watching...

2009-11-20T21:44:00.000-08:00

During prayer meeting and altar calls at church, I rarely kneel. My legs fall asleep quickly, and I also think its a bad thing to bury one's face in a chair and close your eyes when you are sleep deprived. Just sayin'. Anyway, I usually sit and cover my face with one hand and pray. I've never thought much about it; it's just what I do.

Tonight, one of my friends was telling us that her little girl (2.5) has started mimicking how I pray. She'll go get her purse, sit in her stroller, set her purse on the ground, deliberately cross her legs, and cover her face with her hand and pray.

It's cute, but it's a little sobering, too. Unbeknownst to me, as I go through my activities at church, there are little eyes watching and little hands mimicking. And I wonder what all she sees? I squirm, thinking of the services where I've let exhaustion take over and allowed myself to simply go through the motions. Did she see that, too? What kind of example am I giving her--and silent others who may be watching? I think of what I want for her--for her to grow up and be a vibrant saint of God--and realize that I am going to be part of that circle of adults that she will look up to.

Am I worth looking up to?

It's sobering--and pushes me to not only move forward for my sake, but for the sake of those little eyes that are constantly watching.

Check. Check. Check.

2009-11-17T23:03:00.000-08:00

Book Review: DONE
(Email to the publisher discussing possible publication date: NOT done)
(Research paper for same class: SO NOT done)

Conference paper/8 pages of thesis argument: DONE
(Email to thesis chair weedling out my argument as to why they should let me attempt to write AND defend next semester: NOT done)
(Abstract for second conference paper: NOT done)
(Portfolio for same class: Sorta done)

Last remaining observation hours for my teaching license: DONE (YAY for an extra 8 hrs/week!)
(Decision on student teaching: NOT done)

Grading: (NOT DONE) *laughter* I graded all morning and actually caught up in one class. Then I taught that same class and brought home 20 more papers. Not funny.

Much, much more to do, but I do see a bit of a light at the end of the tunnel. Be it a true light or an oncoming train, there IS light. :D

Day 3...

2009-11-12T11:47:00.000-08:00

No pictures today, thanks to a finicky internet forcing me to post at school.

Today, I'm incredibly thankful for our pastor and his wife. Last Friday night, my great-uncle died in a car accident. Today, we found out that my cousin is in the hospital in a coma. While I did not know either very well, my grandmother has been devastated with the news. Watching them surround our family with love and prayers has been incredible. I am very, very blessed.

Thank you....

2009-11-11T13:45:00.000-08:00

Today, I'm thankful for those who served that we might be free...

They make me smile =)

2009-11-10T14:36:00.000-08:00

My thankful gem for the day is the developmental writing class I teach at our community college on Tuesdays/Thursdays. They never cease to make me smile. I have a wide range of students from teenagers to a grandmother. They're single parents, housewives returning to work, burned out university students, fresh high school grads, and more. I never quite know what to expect for class discussion; we laugh a lot. I'm able to be laid back; I often surprise them with nontraditional assignments.

The atmosphere at this little college is homey. My boss is full of praise and encouragement; the teachers smile at me as I walk up and down the hallways. The students are respectful; even when the discussion veers off course and becomes rowdy (as it did during a rather animated discussion of "emos"), I can easily bring them back to focus.

They make me smile. =) I'm thankful for that.

Glorious Uniqueness

I will BLESS the Lord

Ahhh...Pinterest

It's your choice

Feb. 1

Tea

Here we go!

So where have I been?

No, really. I'm back.

I'm back

Just a reminder...

Meh.

Things I've learned this week

What I've been doing...

It's been a rough day...

Bad blogger (and how I'm organizing my life)

Day 14: A nonfiction book

Day 13: A fictional book

Day 12: Whatever tickles my fancy

Day 11: A recent photo of yourself

So far this week...

Day 10: A photo of you taken over 10 years ago

Day 9: A photo I took

Day 8: A photo that makes me sad

Day 7: A photo that makes me happy

Day 6: Livin' in the gray...

Day 5: My favorite quote

Thus, in one sense, the road back to God is a road of moral effort, oftrying harder and harder. But in another sense it is not trying that isever going to bring us home. All this trying leads up to the vitalmoment at which you turn to God and say, "You must do this. I can't. ~C.S. Lewis

Day 4: My favorite book

Day 3: Ten on Tuesday

Day 2: Whatever tickles my fancy

Day 1: My favorite song

I'm totally stealing this (AKA 30 days of me)

This is how we approach babies

10 on Tuesday

Moving misc...

Snippets from my classroom

Ten on Tuesday

Teaching is great preparation for parenthood

Seasons

Bits and pieces...in photos!

Notes on moving

Pray BOLDLY

Rockstar Recovery

New York City

Where I've been

Dream Home Meme

Back to school

Memorial Day Weekend

10 on Tuesday

Conversation with my MIL

Like a child...

And because I often rant about the domestic side...

10 on Tuesday

If you want to see what we've been up to...

The saga of the top layer of the wedding cake

Why Not Trust God Again?

One year ago today...

I'm speechless

In which we are reminded just why I work...

Busy, busy!

Prayers

God understands our prayers even when we can't find the words to say them. ~Author Unknown

It's done!

10 on Tuesday

10 on Tuesday

The thesis...

Out of my hands

Summer!

Ten on Tuesday

Randomness today

I think I need to buy groceries.

10 on Tuesday

This thesis.

Ten on Tuesday

Ten on Tuesday

After almost one year of marriage...

10 on Tuesday

Dragons

Never again...

Thus, in one sense, the road back to God is a road of moral effort, of
trying harder and harder. But in another sense it is not trying that is
ever going to bring us home. All this trying leads up to the vital
moment at which you turn to God and say, "You must do this. I can't. ~C.S. Lewis